An Open Letter to Isla Johnson

home insemination Kit

Dear Ms. Johnson,

I came across an article today where you mentioned in an interview that “sweatpants are the leading cause of divorce.” I have to admit, I felt a wave of despair wash over me. With my love for comfy attire, I figured I’d be filing for divorce any day now. Honestly, I probably wear sweatpants or some form of stretchy pants about, let’s say, 9 days a week.

Now, reflecting on your statement, I thought to myself: if I were in your shoes, with a partner as charming as Jake Hart, a comfy bank account, and the luxury to hide away when pregnant, I’d probably ditch the sweats too. I’d rock some stunning gold pants. Actually, scratch that—I’d probably go pantless!

Isla, you’re so funny. Here are a few reasons why this (possibly soon-to-be-divorced) gal loves her stretchy pants:

1. Comfort is key! I can wear them without any underwear, and that definitely cuts down on laundry. I don’t have a housekeeper to handle my chores, so any way to lessen the laundry pile is a win for me. My little one manages to change outfits about 19 times a day, so I relish these moments when I can skip laundry.
2. They conveniently hide my hairy legs. If I had Jake by my side, I’d probably shave more often, but since he chose you, I’ve decided to take a more relaxed approach! Sweatpants are great at camouflaging the Amazon Jungle situation going on down there.
3. They’re forgiving. I can’t afford a personal trainer to help manage my muffin top, but honestly, even if I could, the thought of running and sweating doesn’t appeal to me. Sweatpants fit no matter what I ate for dinner—like the time I practically devoured a newborn’s weight in corned beef and sauerkraut, and my sweats were still there for me! We had a cozy night watching Jake in that movie you both love, and it was perfect.
4. They spark some controversy. Lately, there’s been a lot of chatter about yoga and sweatpants. I thrive on a little scandal, and wearing yoga pants makes me feel like a rebel, almost like Bonnie Parker. Just hand me a baggy pair, and I’m ready to take on the world!
5. They keep the guys at bay. I’ve noticed when I wear anything other than my sweats, men seem to flock to me. Not sure if it’s my unkempt legs or the lingering scent of donuts, but sweatpants seem to create a protective bubble. I wouldn’t want to make my husband feel insecure, so I stick to my trusty comfy gear.

But now, with the idea that sweatpants equal divorce, I’m in trouble. Here I am in my beloved stretchy pants, just waiting for the divorce papers to arrive. They should be here any minute now…

For more insights into home insemination and pregnancy, check out this excellent resource from the CDC. And if you’re curious about at-home insemination kits, you can learn more about them here as well.

In summary, while sweatpants might have been declared a relationship hazard by some, they bring comfort and practicality to my life. Here’s to the joys of stretchy pants, even if they may lead to impending divorce!