I could see the excitement in my son’s eyes and the way he was biting his lip to suppress a grin. He was clearly proud of himself. He nodded at all the right moments, said what he needed to, and was charmingly polite—just as I had taught him.
Later on, he confessed, “I really enjoy being a good student, especially during parent-teacher conferences when I get showered with compliments.” This wasn’t boasting; he genuinely believed in the reward system that surrounded him. I felt a swell of pride too, as I basked in the knowledge that I was raising a child who was “a joy to have in class.” My son loved collecting his gold stars because praise felt good.
But then I found myself wondering, “Am I raising a praise addict?” It’s a question I’m all too familiar with. Earlier that day, I had been reflecting on my own dependency on praise while reading Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big. I realized that my need for positive feedback might be hindering my growth rather than encouraging it. My son’s enjoyment of compliments hit a nerve that had already been tenderized that day.
I’ve always been someone who craved praise. As a child, I learned to act mature and responsible, relying on approval to validate my worth. I consistently received high marks in school and longed for recognition in my career. It’s not just that I like compliments—I need them. They fuel my motivation.
I’ve always believed that hard work would result in some form of success or acknowledgment. Just a little bit of recognition is all I need to keep pushing forward, whether it’s a “Great job!” from a boss or even a thumbs-up on social media.
I remember being in a yoga class recently, concentrating on perfecting a pose, while quietly wondering, “Does the instructor see how well I’m doing?” When he called out, “Good job, Jamie,” it felt like my efforts were validated.
Yes, I admit it—I’m a praise addict. And now I see my own child following the same path of seeking approval.
However, as Mohr highlights, this dependency can be more limiting than we realize. When we’re “hooked into praise,” we can let it define our self-worth and abilities. To truly be agents of positive change, we need to influence others rather than just please them.
Reading Mohr’s insights made me aware of how much I need to change these ingrained habits. Each chapter feels like medicine that I have to force down. I squirm at her anti-praise stance, which reveals just how badly I need to break this cycle.
What’s a Parent to Do?
I want to teach my children to respect themselves and others, and often that respect is expressed through praise for their politeness and self-awareness. My partner and I take pride in how well our kids manage various social situations.
But I don’t want to turn them into little approval-seeking machines. I don’t want them to chase after gold stars and end up needing to detox from their reliance on compliments in 20 years.
How can we, as Mohr suggests, “unhook from praise” to ensure that we’re not raising children who become addicted to it? In a system that rewards performance and good behavior, how do we avoid creating little approval seekers?
When my son mentioned how much he loved the compliments, I struggled to find the right words. I had that classic moment as a parent where I knew I should say something meaningful, but my mind went blank. What I wished I had said was this:
“My dear son, you are wonderful for so many reasons. You bring joy, kindness, and empathy into everything you do. You are a unique blend of humor and compassion, and I hope you never lose those qualities. Remember, you are not just a collection of compliments. Your value is not determined by what others think. I want you to strive for your best, but more importantly, I want you to be yourself, even when it feels challenging.”
To which he would probably respond, “Can I have dessert?” Regardless of whether he grasps it now, my journey to overcome my praise addiction continues, with the hope that it will bear fruit in the future. I believe that with some awareness, we can find a balance between acknowledging achievements and defining ourselves beyond them.
Even though I’d love to hear you say what a great job I’m doing as a parent, I’m not seeking your praise or feedback—not anymore.
If you’re interested in more on this topic, check out our post on the importance of self-validation. For those on a fertility journey, Make A Mom is an excellent authority. Additionally, Science Daily provides great resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
This reflection tackles the balance between seeking praise and nurturing self-worth in children. The author shares personal insights about their own dependency on compliments while expressing the desire to raise children who value themselves beyond external validation. The piece emphasizes the importance of fostering self-identity in a world that often equates success with praise.