Teaching Our Son to Stand Up to His Friends

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My older son, Alex, was gazing out the window at our backyard but didn’t make any move to join his friends. His homework was done, and he had plenty of time to play before dinner, yet the soccer game happening outside went on without him.

“Aren’t you going to go out?” I asked.

He turned from the view and shook his head. “No, not today. I just don’t feel like it.”

That was odd. Alex usually loves playing outside. I had a feeling I knew what was bothering him.

“Is it about the Nerf gun situation?” I inquired.

He nodded. “A little.”

He turned back to the window, watching his friends play soccer while he stayed hidden behind the curtains.

The “Nerf gun situation” was a common occurrence in our neighborhood, where foam dart battles seemed to happen almost every day. There was a whole arsenal of Nerf guns—assault rifles, sniper rifles, blasters, and even cannons, all of which left lawns scattered with forgotten darts. Personally, I’m not a fan of Nerf guns. I have concerns about kids becoming desensitized to violence and the risk of someone getting hurt. Yet, we own several Nerf guns and allow the kids to participate in these battles, provided they wear protective goggles and avoid aiming for heads.

The incident that had Alex feeling uneasy stemmed from a bike race over the weekend. He lost to two older kids, who decided that the loser would face a Nerf gun firing squad—a playful punishment, but intimidating nonetheless.

After hearing about this so-called punishment, my wife and I assured him it wouldn’t happen. We encouraged him to tell his friends that he wouldn’t be participating in their game. However, we both pondered the situation the next morning. Was this just kids being kids, or did it cross a line into bullying? How could we help him handle it?

We felt confident that it wasn’t chronic bullying, given our familiarity with the boys involved and Alex’s relationship with them. They were generally good kids, and Alex enjoyed hanging out with them. Nevertheless, we wanted him to know how to assert himself without damaging his friendships. After some discussion, we devised a plan to help him navigate the situation.

As Alex stood at the window, torn between wanting to join his friends and fearing the Nerf gun punishment, I said, “You can go outside if you want. They might not even remember the race. But if they bring it up, do you know what to say?”

He nodded. “Yeah, come back inside.”

His expression showed that he wasn’t thrilled with that idea, so I was glad we had a backup plan. “You could also look at them and say, ‘That’s silly. I’m not going to let you shoot me with Nerf guns. Let’s just play soccer instead.’”

“Let me know how it goes if you decide to go out,” I added.

After a moment of thought, he reached for his jacket. “Okay, I’m going outside.”

I resisted the urge to spy on him. I knew he needed some independence, and if he needed me, he’d come back in.

When he returned for dinner an hour later, I casually asked if the Nerf gun issue had come up.

“It did,” he replied.

“Oh? What happened?”

“I told them it was nonsense and to keep playing soccer,” he said with a grin.

“Nonsense?” I echoed, smiling.

“Yeah,” he replied. “I forgot the other word you told me, but I like ‘nonsense’ better anyway.”

I told him I was proud of him. I admired how he didn’t let his older friends pressure him into going along with a bad idea. He had the courage to face his fears and handled the situation with confidence.

Although he didn’t win the bike race, he triumphed over his own doubts and learned a valuable lesson about standing his ground.

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In summary, teaching our children to stand up for themselves is crucial for their development. Alex learned to assert his feelings without compromising his friendships, demonstrating that it’s possible to navigate tricky social situations with confidence.