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Why Don’t Grown-Ups Have Best Friends?
Sometimes, I catch myself daydreaming about placing a personal ad—not for a romantic partner, but for a best friend. Someone who gets me, you know? Sure, I can find other women in their forties, especially in my neighborhood, but when I start to list what makes me, me—married for over two decades, two young boys aged three and five, a liberal military spouse, and an erotic romance writer—I realize I’m not exactly fitting into a neat category. By the time I mention my writing, I’ve probably lost half of my potential friend candidates.
I’m grateful for the diverse group of friends I have. As a writer, connecting with various people has been incredibly fulfilling. From twenty-something hipsters to fellow authors and editors I’ve met at conferences—social media has helped me reconnect with many. Yet, while some old friends are celebrating their grandchildren, my husband and I are busy discussing Montessori options and college funds. Other Navy spouses with toddlers are stressing about long deployments, while my husband is preparing for retirement and our past separations feel like distant memories.
I’ve always been a bit of a rebel. I grew up in a book-less household but became an avid reader and aspiring writer early on. I constantly questioned the status quo, inspired by voices like Gloria Steinem. I believed I could do anything, but that belief sometimes left me feeling like an outsider. I have so much in my life, yet I can’t seem to find a best friend who mirrors my journey.
The term “BFF” feels outdated to me. I’m not sure what a woman my age is “supposed” to do. My social life often revolves around my kids—when I have a night out, it’s typically just me and one other friend grabbing coffee or catching a movie. Forget wild weekends in Vegas; my closest friends range from 15 years younger to 20 years older and are scattered all over the country.
I’ve taken my time growing in life, achieving milestones a bit later than most. Despite being a stellar student, I hopped around four colleges before finishing my degree after twelve years, earning my master’s at 40. I became a mom later, at ages 42 and 44, but I got married young at 23. I often feel old during summer pregnancies but surprisingly youthful amid Lego blocks and Paw Patrol.
I am a blend of experiences, living a life quite different from most of my friends, yet I don’t feel like a trendsetter. I know everyone feels out of place at times, and friendships can change as paths diverge. But I’ve never met anyone who shares my exact perspective. It can be a bit isolating, like my life is a jumble of puzzle pieces that fit together just right—rewarding, yet lonely.
I’ve built a chaotic, beautiful life based on the belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. I love encouraging others to pursue their dreams—whether it’s going back to school at 40 or taking time for themselves without guilt. I want to model the idea of carving out your own path for my kids.
While I know my way isn’t the only way, it’s mine, and that’s perfectly okay. Still, I can’t help but wish for a friend who’s on a similar journey.
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In summary, while adult friendships can be complex, it’s essential to embrace our unique paths. Even if you feel like the only one traveling a certain road, remember that you’re not alone in your experiences.