The New Book That Could Transform Your Sex Life

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You might think that as we get older, both women and men would have a solid grasp of what happens in the bedroom, fully aware of our bodies and desires. However, that’s not the case—at least, not from what I discovered while diving into this sensitive topic a few years back. While those of us in our mid-life might be more confident and less concerned about others’ opinions, there is still so much we don’t understand, and that knowledge is vital for a fulfilling sex life.

Enter Dr. Lisa Thompson, who aims to enlighten people of all ages, helping us reclaim our rightful pleasure. She’s penned a must-read book on sex, and I’m insisting that all my friends, their partners, and yes, you, pick it up right now. Come As You Are: The Eye-Opening Science That Will Change Your Sex Life offers real science, unlike many other titles out there. It’s also very approachable, making it a comforting read for couples who might feel lost in sexless or nearly sexless relationships.

The book’s main message is refreshingly clear and important: Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfectly normal. Dr. Thompson begins with an anatomy lesson that fundamentally changes how we connect with our sexuality. Then she reveals that a lot of what we think we know about sex, attraction, and desire is shaped more by culture than biology. And here comes the kicker.

You Don’t Actually Have a Sex Drive

Are you ready for a revelation? According to Dr. Thompson, you don’t actually have a sex drive. We often think of desire as something that just happens spontaneously—like feeling thirsty or needing to use the restroom. You might see something sexy, like your partner entering the room, and immediately want to jump into bed. But for up to 70% of women, that’s not how it works. Many women are more responsive to touch than to visual stimuli, which Dr. Thompson calls “responsive desire.” Our understanding of sexuality has been heavily influenced by a “spontaneous desire” model, which tends to favor male experiences. A lot of men do feel that spontaneous urge—an erotic thought leads to arousal. But for many women, the right context and touch are essential before they feel any desire.

The Dual-Control Model is a Game-Changer

Another eye-opening idea is the “dual-control model,” which suggests that everyone has a sexual accelerator (Sexual Excitation System or SES) and a sexual brake (Sexual Inhibition System or SIS). This wiring affects how we react to sexual cues around us. Some people are more in tune with their accelerator, while others are more aware of their brake. If you find you have more access to your brake than your accelerator (which is totally normal), it might take a little extra effort to get in the mood.

Dr. Thompson encourages us to enhance our sex lives by learning how to “turn on the ons and turn off the offs.” This is all about changing behaviors and creating the right context, which you and your partner can work on together.

Key Takeaways

• Women often lack knowledge about their own bodies. Dr. Thompson suggests using a mirror to explore yourself and get familiar with what you have “down there.”
• The concept of “Arousal Nonconcordance” is common, meaning your body and brain might not always agree—don’t worry, the book covers this.
• A “pink pill” for female desire is unlikely to exist because women aren’t “dysfunctional”; we just need to better understand our own desires.
• It’s not just about what happens in bed; it’s more about how you feel about what happens.

Whether you’ve been with your partner for years, are navigating parenthood, or if you’re newly single after a divorce, Come As You Are has groundbreaking insights that could benefit you. Even if your sex life is thriving, this book should be on your nightstand.

If you want more insights on home insemination, check out our other blog post here: Home Insemination Kit. And if you’re interested in boosting your fertility, head over to Make a Mom for expert advice. For additional resources on pregnancy, visit ASRM.

Summary

Dr. Lisa Thompson’s Come As You Are redefines our understanding of sex and desire, emphasizing that nothing is wrong with you and that knowledge is power. It introduces concepts like responsive desire and the dual-control model, encouraging readers to explore their bodies and feelings to enhance their intimate lives.