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Don’t Tell My Toddler She Resembles Mae West
Recently, a close friend of mine confided that she feels uneasy when men comment on her four-year-old daughter’s appearance while they’re out and about. At first, I thought, “Oh, it’s just harmless flattery.” But then she imitated the men—squinting their eyes, crooning “so pretty,” and making annoying teeth-sucking noises—and I got it. Any woman can tell the difference between a genuine compliment and a creepy catcall, especially when it’s directed at a four-year-old.
Curious, I decided to gather some informal feedback from other parents in our Brooklyn neighborhood. I asked about their experiences with comments on their kids’ appearances while out in public. I received 11 responses, all from mothers, covering around 15 children aged 18 months to six years. Among those kids, nine were boys and six were girls.
Of the six girls, three had encountered negative experiences—comments that were either creepy, sexual, or just plain hurtful. One mom mentioned a local man who insists that her daughters, aged 18 months and four years, look like Mae West. Another mother, whose five-year-old daughter is “a bit overweight,” frequently hears remarks about her child’s weight, including unsolicited advice like, “You should take her outside every day.” Um, thanks for that. We’re outside right now!
The boys, on the other hand, received compliments, with comments like “so handsome!” or “adorable!” The worst it got was for a red-headed boy who, tired of the attention on his hair, opted to wear a hat.
To summarize, my little survey indicates that 50% of girls aged 18 months to six years have already faced some form of body-shaming or inappropriate comments. This is alarming. According to the organization Stop Street Harassment, 65% of women have experienced street harassment, and for 10% of those women, it started by age 12. Holly Kearl, the Executive Director, noted that many women recall such experiences beginning as early as eight or nine. It seems like a prime time for strangers to target unaccompanied children.
So what does this mean for parenting? Do we let our kids explore freely and risk them hearing disgusting comments, or do we keep them close to shield them? Boys also face vulnerability, with 25% of men reporting street harassment, including those who were targeted as young as age 12.
I spoke with Mia Thornton, a Ph.D. candidate in Sociology, who is studying catcalling and micro-aggressions. She wasn’t surprised to hear about this early onset of unwanted attention. She pointed out that girls in school uniforms are particularly at risk, often facing harassment from men in cars who follow them or wait outside their schools. Unfortunately, when girls report these incidents, schools often ask what they did to provoke it or discourage them from speaking out.
When I heard about the overweight child, Mia mentioned that societal perceptions vary based on gender, body size, and how one presents themselves. It seems that only gender-conforming men escape such remarks altogether.
When my friend described the catcalling directed at her daughter, my first instinct was to think, “Well, she is quite beautiful,” as if beauty somehow justifies the harassment. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter how someone looks; women—even those bundled up in winter clothes—are still subjected to unwanted comments. This isn’t about beauty or compliments; it’s about control, particularly over women who dare to be out alone, whether they’re running errands or just enjoying a walk.
So what can a mother do? Mia suggests that if you feel safe, you might consider saying, “Please don’t comment on my child’s appearance.” This not only empowers your child but also teaches the commenter that their behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s a challenge, especially for those of us not used to asserting ourselves.
Even if you can’t speak up in the moment, it’s crucial to discuss these incidents with your kids afterward. Explain that this behavior isn’t okay and that many people experience similar situations. It’s about creating a community that stands up against harassment, and anyone witnessing such acts should intervene.
I never had the courage to confront my own harassers in my younger years, but motherhood has a way of pushing you to take action. So, the next time I hear someone make an inappropriate comment about a child, whether it’s regarding weight, looks, or some outdated reference to Mae West, I’ll be ready to step in.
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In summary, we need to create a safer environment for our children, free from inappropriate comments and unwanted attention. By talking to our kids and standing up against harassment, we can make a difference.