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I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy…Or Do I?
You know how we often say, “I just want my kids to be happy”? Well, I’m starting to wonder if I really mean it. Recently, I came across an article in The New York Times discussing how a string of teen suicides in Palo Alto, California, has sparked a community conversation about the intense pressure kids face. This pressure stems from a culture that prioritizes achievement, particularly in a place like Palo Alto, right next to Stanford and Silicon Valley.
Education expert Mia Anderson refers to this as the “hidden message of parenting.” It’s that confusing mix of telling kids we just want them to be happy, while also fixating on their grades and accomplishments, which might contradict that very message. I’m guilty of this, too. Like, when I tell my son how much I love that he enjoys reading, only to snatch the Diary of a Wimpy Kid from his hands and hand him a more challenging book. I ask my kids about their day, but interrupt them mid-story to quiz them on their math test.
It makes me think that phrases like “I just want you to be happy” are becoming mere habits. Sure, we mean it, but do our kids really hear us when right after, we put pressure on them with our next sentence? “I love you, no matter what, but I’m disappointed you got a C.” Or, “I just want you to be happy, but did you ace your exam?”
Palo Alto might be one of the wealthiest towns in the U.S., but it’s not the only place where high achievement is expected of young people. The anxiety students there feel—like being ashamed of a B or thinking that not getting into an Ivy League school means they’ll be flipping burgers—is something I hear from high schoolers everywhere. It’s a troubling mindset, and it raises questions about how we define success and well-being.
The silver lining for us parents is that we still have time to reassess what we say and how we can genuinely support our children in becoming their happiest selves, without the added pressure. The real question is: are we ready to make that change?
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In summary, while we often claim to prioritize our children’s happiness, our actions can sometimes send mixed messages. It’s crucial for us to reflect on our words and the pressures we place on our kids, ensuring we truly support their well-being.