Are We Creating a “Grandparent Deficit” by Having Kids Later?

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You know, I always thought my parents would be around forever. I guess we all do. They were pretty young when they had us and expected to be youthful grandparents, just like their parents were. By the time they hit 26, they had four kids! Fast forward to my life—I didn’t even meet my partner until I was 32. We wanted to enjoy those carefree, romantic years before diving into parenthood, so our first child didn’t arrive until I was 37.

Apparently, we’re not alone in this delay. Time Magazine has even coined the term “grandparent deficit.” This refers to a whole generation of kids who miss out on the energetic, hands-on grandparents that many of us grew up with. I have such fond memories of my great-grandmother playing tennis! My grandmother, who turned 95 last year, was only 47 when I was born—she was already a grandmother by then. We were close, and I felt like I could tell her anything. Thanks to her life decisions, she has a whole lineage, with enough kids and grandkids to create a small army. She’s been a role model for me, but I worry I won’t be able to have those same connections with my own children since I started my family so late.

The grandparent deficit feels real. My grandparents were incredibly devoted, and we always felt their love and attention. They had a friendly rivalry over who could spoil us more, and I have such cherished memories of my grandmother creating games just to keep us entertained. That level of intimacy is hard to replicate when there’s a huge age gap.

As a teen, I would hop on the subway to catch movies with my grandma, and we became the best of friends. Now, my kids are 11 and 7, and my dad is 72—though he’s definitely one of the coolest 72-year-olds I know! I lost my mom a few years back, and while my kids got some time with her, they won’t have those teenage moments or deep connections that I had, and that really hurts.

But what can we do? It’s not like people are marrying just to escape their parents’ homes anymore. My parents tied the knot at 20 but split up a decade later because their aspirations changed. Telling people to have kids earlier isn’t really a solution, so all we can do is encourage our kids to build relationships with their grandparents. When my kids have a day off from school, my dad is usually the first person I call. My in-laws are always welcome too. Now that my son has a cellphone, he can text his grandparents directly, which is great for fostering that bond.

Despite being 72, my dad is still more active than most people I know, so I’m hopeful those special relationships will continue to grow. My grandmother also knows my kids, which is impressive considering she has 16 great-grandchildren! They’re great role models, and it’s my hope that my kids won’t repeat our patterns and will have their families a bit earlier.

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In summary, while the phenomenon of the “grandparent deficit” can be disheartening, there are still ways to nurture meaningful relationships between our kids and their grandparents. It’s all about making the most of the time we have and ensuring that connections are prioritized.