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Princess or Not, How on Earth Does She Look Like That?
So, the global Royal Crotch Watch has officially wrapped up. Kate and Will have welcomed a gorgeous baby girl into their family, adding to their little prince, George.
Like everyone else, I couldn’t help but gasp at the first photo of the baby. She’s absolutely adorable. But let’s talk about Kate for a second—heels, a stunning white and yellow dress, and just ten hours post-birth? How on Earth did she pull that off?
I mean, sure, she has a team of hairstylists and makeup artists at her beck and call, but come on! The woman just delivered an eight-pound, three-ounce baby, and then looks like she’s just come from a spa day, complete with a newborn as a thank-you gift. It’s almost too much to handle.
There’s no makeup artist in the world who could’ve made me look even remotely decent ten hours after giving birth. Not even with a ton of concealer, industrial-sized Spanx, and maybe a witch’s brew or two. Just. Not. Happening.
Ten hours after I had my first child, I was still trying to figure out how to pee without shedding tears. And let’s not even discuss the other business. I was waddling across the hospital floor, wearing a maxi pad that could double as a crib mattress, held in place by those oh-so-charming mesh panties that every new mom knows all too well. (They’re super comfy and way better than ruining your own underwear, am I right?)
Just sitting down felt like a military operation. I was eternally grateful to whoever came up with the idea of freezing maxi pads for post-birth ice packs. Seriously, you deserve a medal. And when they told me that the swelling in my hands and feet would go down after birth, they were flat-out lying. I was more swollen after giving birth than before. Heels? No way, not in this lifetime.
People talk about the new mom glow, but I looked like a flushed version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, complete with frizzy hair. One of my kids even asked me why I still looked pregnant and if the doctor had missed a baby. I’ll probably forgive her one day… maybe.
Meanwhile, Kate looks like she could step right onto a magazine cover or attend a local charity event. I don’t look that good even on a planned date night!
As stunning as she appears, I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for Kate. The thought of having a swarm of people hovering around me right after giving birth—just so the cameras outside can capture the perfect shot—makes me cringe. No matter how magical the medications she has access to (maybe a sprinkle of unicorn dust or a few drops of dragon blood?), Mother Nature has a way of reminding you of the price you pay.
I have no doubt that while Kate stood there, sore and swollen, likely with a stash of extra comfy mesh panties and a peri bottle hidden in her purse, she was probably dreaming of being at home, snuggled up with her little girl and her son, getting to know their new family member.
If you’re interested in learning more about the journey to parenthood, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination, or take a look at some helpful tips for navigating your own fertility journey.
In summary, it’s clear that while some women bounce back like royalty after giving birth, many of us are just trying to survive and look somewhat human. Here’s to all the moms out there—no matter how you look, we’ve got each other’s backs!