How to Support Your Sad Tween: Sometimes, Giving Space is Key

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When I first became a parent, I never expected to navigate the world of tweens. Honestly, I hadn’t even heard the term when my oldest, Lily, was born over a decade ago. I was prepared for toddlers and the school years, and even thought about the teenage phase, but that in-between stage—before menstruation and dating—was something I completely overlooked. Fast forward to now, and here I am, realizing I’m in the thick of it with my very own tween.

Lily is in 5th grade now. At one point, I worried she wore her heart on her sleeve too much, but lately, she’s been more reserved. Some days she sits beside me in the car, engrossed in her playlist, and other times, she gazes at me with pure admiration. She has moments where she’s the doting big sister and others when she needs her space. She’s even started asking me deeper questions about feelings and life.

Last year, we had that all-important “talk” about growing up, which was initiated by her curiosity. It made me rethink how I communicate with her, including my body language. While I usually try to be modest, I’ve made it a point not to hide when she walks in on me getting dressed. We’ve talked about things like periods and the challenges of friendship.

But despite all my planning, I’ve learned that conversations don’t always unfold the way I envision. One morning, Lily quietly slipped into the living room for her half-birthday, a signal that she was halfway to 11. I walked by, gently touching her shoulder, and asked if she was okay. She nodded but looked serious.

Her icy blue eyes still captivate me, but they’ve changed. They now carry a mix of innocence and a sharp wit that reflects her growing personality. As I poured my coffee, I let her enjoy the quiet, but soon she spoke up: “Mom, I feel gross.”

I paused. “What do you mean?”

Her response was vague, filled with feelings she couldn’t quite articulate. “I don’t know, just icky and like, maybe itchy.” She hesitated, then added, “I sometimes feel bad for getting upset over little things or wanting to be away from my sisters. It makes me feel gross.”

“Why don’t you try taking a shower?” I suggested.

She hesitated, reminding me that she had taken a bath just the night before. I reassured her that it was perfectly fine to want to feel clean again, especially if it might help her mood.

We walked upstairs hand in hand. I suggested she could just stand under the water and let it wash away her worries. “What do you think?” I asked.

“I guess I’d like to try that,” she replied.

Once she was in the bath, I closed the door and went back to my chores. When she came downstairs, she looked a bit more like herself—wearing a cute black dress and combing her hair, though still lost in thought.

“Feeling better?” I asked.

“Yeah, a little,” she said quietly.

Then she opened up about a hollow feeling she couldn’t shake. “I just want to cry, but I don’t really know why.”

I took a deep breath. These conversations get trickier as kids grow. I could either explain that life can be tough or sugarcoat it, but I opted for honesty. “You know, it’s okay to feel that way. Sometimes we just need to let it out.”

She looked down, and I offered her a hug. Initially hesitant, she eventually accepted. I felt a mix of joy and sadness as I held her. There’s a part of her that will always be my little girl, even as she navigates this complex new stage of life.

Letting go can be difficult, but it’s also part of growing up. It’s a balancing act of allowing them the space to feel their emotions while still being there for them.

For more insights on parenting and navigating these transitional stages, check out some of our other posts, like this one on home insemination here. Also, if you’re interested in learning more about self insemination, check out Cryobaby, which is a great resource. Lastly, for information on pregnancy and fertility, Hopkins Medicine offers excellent guidance.

Summary

Supporting a sad tween can sometimes mean giving them the space they need to process their emotions. Open communication, gentle suggestions, and a willingness to listen can help them navigate their feelings.