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Your Miscarriage Isn’t Your Fault
Hey there, friend. I want to share something deeply personal with you. A while back, I was just a hair shy of three months into my pregnancy when I started bleeding heavily. It happened right before my 12-week ultrasound — the one that usually signals it’s time to share the news with the world. Can you imagine? Just one day before. I remember thinking that sometimes Mother Nature can be downright cruel.
This was my third pregnancy loss in four years. The first was an early miscarriage when I was only six weeks along. If I hadn’t known I was pregnant, I might have just thought it was a heavy period. But I did know, and it felt nothing like a normal cycle. It was painful and heartbreaking. I told only a few close friends, convinced that my habits — like working late and the occasional cigarette before I knew I was expecting — were to blame. The thoughts spiraled: You’re too stressed, you don’t take care of yourself. I was crushed.
The second loss was an ectopic pregnancy. I faced a tough decision: wait to see if the pregnancy could survive or risk a ruptured uterus. I chose to wait, but the pregnancy wasn’t viable. I remember taking a cab to the hospital for a methotrexate injection, a drug that treats cancer by halting the growth of rapidly dividing cells — including embryos. Once again, I felt that it must be my fault somehow.
Now back to that fateful 12-week miscarriage. The amount of blood was terrifying. As my partner helped me change out of my soaked clothes in the ER, I thought I was dying. A nurse came by and, seeing my panic, calmly reassured me, “Don’t worry, honey. This is totally normal. This is what happens.”
Did you know that nearly one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage? Yet, many of us who have experienced this loss often feel a sense of shame. We look for someone to blame, and it’s all too easy to point the finger at ourselves. After sharing my experience, I learned that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way. A recent study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology found that almost half of the respondents who experienced a miscarriage felt guilty, and over a quarter felt shame. Interestingly, many thought miscarriages were much less common than they actually are, thanks to the societal pressure to wait until after the 12-week mark to share the news.
Dr. Alex Turner, who runs a program for early and recurrent pregnancy loss, pointed out that the survey results highlight a significant misunderstanding about miscarriage. Because it’s rarely discussed, many women feel isolated after experiencing a loss. We need to educate ourselves better about miscarriages to help reduce the stigma and shame surrounding them.
In reality, about 60% of miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities. In most cases, there’s absolutely nothing you could have done differently. Other factors like an incompetent cervix or uterine abnormalities account for 10%, and various medical conditions also play a role. Yet, many respondents believed that stress or lifting heavy objects were significant causes, which simply isn’t the case.
The more we share our stories, the less taboo this subject will become. If you’ve ever participated in a pregnancy forum, you know how isolating it can feel after a miscarriage. Suddenly, you’re treated as if your loss is something contagious. Conversations often come with “trigger warnings,” as if talking about your experience could somehow bring on another loss for someone else. It’s perplexing.
On one side, people often say that anyone can have a baby, minimizing the emotional journey of motherhood. On the other side, women are expected to just move on after a miscarriage, as if it’s just another disappointment. But what people forget is the time spent dreaming about that child and forming a bond during those precious moments of pregnancy. When you lose that, it’s not just an event — it’s a profound loss, and it’s okay to grieve.
Women often feel the need to stay quiet about their experiences because miscarriage can be so isolating. It’s painful, and it can be hard for others to truly understand what you’ve lost. We search for answers, reasons why our bodies didn’t do what we’d hoped.
I hope this new research reaches women who are feeling that blame after a miscarriage. We already carry enough burdens; we don’t need to add that to the mix. If you’re going through a miscarriage, please talk to someone. Share your feelings and mourn your loss. Remember, it’s not your fault.
For more information on this topic, check out some excellent resources like March of Dimes for pregnancy and home insemination, or learn more about your options at Intracervical Insemination. Also, if you’re seeking guidance on your journey, Make A Mom is a great authority on fertility.
In summary, miscarriage is a common experience that is often shrouded in shame and isolation. Women frequently blame themselves for their losses, but it’s crucial to understand that these events are largely beyond our control. Sharing our stories can help break the stigma and foster a supportive community for those navigating this painful journey.