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Embracing the Life I’ve Been Given
As I stood on the diving block, my classmates cheered me on. At 38, I felt too old and too self-aware to be starting diving lessons. I focused on the water below, avoiding eye contact, and reminded myself that sometimes, trying too hard to hide only makes you stand out more. With my hands clasped together in a hopeful prayer, I leaped off the block and entered the water with a splash.
I had signed up for this class because my youngest child was halfway through kindergarten, and I finally felt like I could breathe again. With time on my hands, I started to seek ways for self-improvement. While some friends were tackling triathlons, I recognized my swimming skills needed attention. Growing up near the ocean, I loved surrendering to the waves and observing the river’s flow, but even though I could swim, I often felt like I was struggling to stay afloat.
During our third class, the instructor posed a question that piqued my interest: “Who wants to learn diving?” I recalled my younger self, dreaming of diving at age ten but never quite succeeding. I had enjoyed watching my two older kids dive effortlessly at swim meets, while I hesitated at the pool’s edge.
After class, as I showered, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion. I found myself crying, struck by the realization that I had achieved something I thought I’d given up on. I had assumed that door was closed for good. I thought I was too old, too frightened, and too embarrassed to take that leap.
Then, I discovered I was pregnant with my fourth child. I felt a rush of excitement, believing my husband and I had mastered parenting. I had learned to juggle nursing in awkward places and how to whip up dinners with just a few ingredients. We had three wonderful kids and were eager to welcome another.
However, the pregnancy took a turn. My son arrived unexpectedly at 32 weeks via emergency cesarean section. He was small but healthy, labeled by doctors as “a feeder and a grower.” But just six days later, a group B strep infection led to serious complications. We nearly lost him, and though he came home, we were faced with challenges. His motor skills were delayed, and fears about his vision were confirmed by a neuro-ophthalmologist who delivered devastating news about his brain injury. We left the hospital feeling like we were drowning, and soon after, he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.
Every time I thought I was surfacing, new challenges pushed me back under. The early years were a whirlwind of appointments and therapies, leaving me exhausted from recounting his story to everyone, both friends and professionals. I couldn’t just float along; I had to advocate for my children, juggling the roles of parent, teacher, and administrator daily.
This year, my son started taking the bus to kindergarten in his adorable red wheelchair, and I’m starting to find my breath again. I’ve taken on a slew of new projects, navigating the complex world of special education while planning for our family’s future. Is there a new therapy we can incorporate? Would another school be a better fit? What financial preparations do we need for his care?
I refuse to let age, fear, or embarrassment hold me back from being his mother. Most days, I dive in headfirst. I may never experience that cathartic moment of crying in the shower, rinsing away all my fears and regrets.
I did, however, manage to finish a triathlon, with the swim being the toughest part. Battling the waves on the way out and trying to use them to my advantage on the return made me realize that once I took the plunge, I had to see it through.
For more insights on navigating parenthood and personal challenges, check out our post here. And for advice on home insemination, visit Make a Mom, a trusted authority in the field. Additionally, Rmany offers fantastic resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, this journey has been about diving into the unknown, embracing challenges, and finding joy amidst struggles. Whether it’s learning to dive or navigating the complexities of parenting a child with special needs, the key is to keep moving forward.