What I Learned About My Mother’s Alzheimer’s from Erma Bombeck

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My 83-year-old mother, full of her trademark humor, chuckles, “She should do what I did—find the best-looking teacher she can!”

“Mom, she’s only 13. That’s terrible advice! What kind of grandmother are you?”

We share a laugh as she reminisces about her own lessons, which she took years ago to quit smoking while managing the chaos of raising six kids. She tends to forget about my daughter’s current challenges, a common occurrence with Alzheimer’s patients who often cling to older memories more strongly than recent ones. Even though she’s still in the early stages of the disease, I can hear her drifting between memories when I call her at the assisted living facility.

Throughout my journey as a stay-at-home dad who writes about parenting humor, our connection has grown deeper, and our phone chats often feel like scenes from a sitcom, with hilarious twists and turns. Recently, I picked up a book my mom has always loved: Erma Bombeck’s If Life is a Bowl of Cherries—What Am I Doing in the Pits? From the very first line, I understood why it resonated with her: “I’ve always worried a lot and frankly I’m good at it.” Bombeck humorously admits, “I worry about scientists discovering someday that lettuce has been fattening all along,” but then she gets serious: “But mostly, I worry about surviving…. That’s what this book is all about.”

My mom has also used humor to navigate her life’s challenges: raising six kids, experiencing a divorce after 28 years, dealing with macular degeneration that stole her ability to read, and now facing the reality of Alzheimer’s. By the end of the introduction, I found myself choking back tears.

The book unfolds through a series of vignettes. While some anecdotes have lost their relevance since its 1971 release, many still hit home. Bombeck’s classic takes on family life include guides on “Replacing [a] Toilet Tissue Spindle,” “Closing a Door,” and “Turning Off a Light.” She offers timeless wisdom like, “There, but for the grace of a babysitter go I,” and “Some say giving children responsibility helps them grow, others say it just raises your insurance rates.”

However, there’s a poignant shift late in the book when she writes about her own mother in the piece “When Did I Become the Mother and the Mother Become the Child?” She reflects on how responsibility gradually shifts from mother to child as they grow up, leaving the mother feeling more childlike. It’s a bittersweet realization, and I felt as if my mom was speaking directly to me, blending humor with a touch of sadness.

Alzheimer’s has begun to take things from my mom. During our conversations, she sometimes pauses and says, “I have no words.” She describes feeling a “numbness” and acknowledges, “I can see what the disease is doing to me.” Meanwhile, I often find myself at a loss for words, but for different reasons.

As Alzheimer’s takes away markers of time, my siblings and I grapple with how to handle forgotten family birthdays. While we can remind her of her grandchildren’s special days, our own are harder to navigate. Do we remind her, risking her feeling guilty for forgetting? Or do we stay silent to spare her pain? I’ve chosen the latter, but neither option feels completely right.

Yet, there’s a silver lining to this disease. In her moments of clarity, Mom has shared that her short-term memory loss allows her to worry less and find more joy in the present. She has described the “gift” of being “suspended in time” without the pressure to remember. These moments of freedom from the past are some of the cherries still left in her life.

Bombeck’s wisdom reminds us that even in the later stages of life, there are still cherries to be found—we just have to dig a little deeper. A beautiful way to connect with a loved one is by sharing their favorite book. Reading lighter passages from Bombeck over the phone has sparked joy for both of us, sometimes evoking memories of how my mom felt when she first read them, and other times offering her fresh amusement. Together, we’ve created a delightful shared experience amidst the challenges.

For more on navigating these family dynamics, check out our other post on this blog. And for helpful insights, you can refer to this resource on fertility and home insemination. If you’re looking for more information on home insemination kits, Make a Mom has some great resources available.

In summary, while Alzheimer’s brings its challenges, humor and shared experiences can still create unforgettable moments. From the wisdom of Erma Bombeck to the laughter I share with my mom, there are always cherries to be found in life’s bowl.