I Had a Moment of Madness as a New Mom

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“Every now and then, I get a fleeting thought—a flash of something dark involving the baby. It’s there for just a split second, but it feels so real. Sometimes, I’m the one causing the harm; other times, it’s someone else. My partner, Alex, assures me that it’s just the overwhelming vulnerability of my baby that plays tricks on my mind. But I know it’s also because I feel trapped—not just by her endless needs, but also by the intense love I have for her. I’m actually grateful to be an older mom. I don’t spiral into panic. I’ve decided I can handle two or three of these wild thoughts a day. If they start piling up, it’s time for a chat with a doctor about some happy pills.

One night, when my first baby was just six weeks old, she wouldn’t stop crying. I tried everything—swaddling, rocking, nursing, singing, and even changing her diaper, despite it being dry! I even thought maybe a tag was bothering her, so I changed her outfit. Nothing worked, and she just kept crying.

And oh, the exhaustion! I was SO. FREAKING. TIRED. Just when I thought she was settling down, I’d lie down with her and start to drift off, only to be jolted awake by her tiny, piercing wails.

Then, something in my mind broke, like a crack in glass. In that moment, all my maternal instincts vanished. I could vividly picture myself tossing her out the window. My arms swung back, and I felt her weight slipping from my hands. I could almost hear her cries fading away as she fell.

It was a fleeting thought—barely a second—and I snapped back to reality, terrified. What was wrong with me? Was this postpartum psychosis? Did I somehow fail as a mother? Was I cut out for this at all? I broke down in tears and called my mom. I was too ashamed to mention my dark thought, so I just told her the baby wouldn’t stop crying.

To my surprise, she said, “Oh honey, I remember a night with your brother when he wouldn’t stop crying. My instinct? I wanted to toss him out the window.” I gasped, laughed, and cried all at once. My sweet mom, who seemed so composed, had a similar thought? That moment made me realize I wasn’t alone.

She encouraged me to set the baby down and step outside for a breather. I’d read all the advice on how to nurture and bond with babies, but it never dawned on me that sometimes it’s okay to step away. Sometimes babies cry, and you can’t figure out why. Unless you’re a superhero, that sound can drive you to the edge.

Over the years, I’ve learned that these Terrible Mothering Thoughts pop up more often than I’d like to admit. I was never physically punished as a child, yet there have been times when I’ve felt the urge to snap at my kids. Kids will push all your buttons—crying, whining, and arguing—testing your sanity.

It’s crucial to remember that a Terrible Mothering Thought is not the same as a Terrible Mothering Act. I know I would never ACTUALLY throw my baby out the window or smack my cheeky child. Those urges come and go, and I’ve learned not to judge myself for having them.

If you’ve ever had similar thoughts, know that you’re not alone. Most moms keep such feelings to themselves, but they’re more common than you think. If your thoughts become overwhelming or you feel like you might hurt your child, please talk to a doctor. But an occasional Terrible Mothering Thought? Totally normal.

And while it might be challenging to share these thoughts, it’s important. We all need to hear that we’re not alone in this messy, beautiful journey of motherhood. If you’re interested in more insights on topics like this, check out this great resource for pregnancy and home insemination. Plus, this post gives valuable information that can help you navigate your parenting journey, as well as this authority on home insemination kits.

In summary, motherhood can be overwhelming, and it’s normal to have fleeting thoughts that might seem alarming. The key is understanding that these thoughts don’t define us, and reaching out for support can be incredibly helpful.