Motherhood: The Most Surprising Job You’ll Ever Have

Hey there, friend! Before you dive in, maybe set down that snack — trust me, you’ll thank me later.

When you find out you’re expecting, the chatter with other parents tends to be filled with all the sunshine and rainbows. Love, laughter, and those sweet little moments. But what they often skip over is that motherhood can also be downright… gross. I mean, really, really gross. Some of the scenarios I’m about to share might not happen to you, but let’s be real — there’s a good chance you’ll encounter something equally bizarre that you never saw coming.

The Grand Entrance

Let’s kick things off with the grand entrance of your little one. Whether you’re bringing your bundle of joy into the world through the usual route or via C-section, let’s just say the whole process isn’t exactly a walk in the park. I’ll spare you the gory details, but they’re out there if you look. What you might not be prepared for is the aftermath. Think of a crime scene that lingers for days. Yep, you’ll be going through adult diapers like it’s your new favorite accessory for a week — not because of any issues, but because it’s like a horror film down there.

And if two days post-birth you find a bloody blob the size of a racquetball fall out of you? Totally normal. Wish I was joking. Yet, all of that chaos seems worth it when you gaze down at your tiny miracle, who smells like heaven. That is, until you’re jolted awake at 2 a.m. for a diaper change and get hit with a burst of bright yellow poop that decorates your bed, your PJs, and maybe even your hair. Fun times!

Family Road Trips

Let’s not forget the joys of a family road trip. Picture this: you’re cruising through the mountains, and suddenly your toddler starts to projectile vomit all over her car seat. It’s hot, you can’t pull over, and guess what? You left the diaper bag at home, right by the front door. Just a heads-up for those who haven’t reached this stage yet: you WILL get vomited on. It’s not a matter of if, but when. And I’m not talking about a little spit-up either; I mean full-blown kiddo vomit, complete with all the lovely smells.

Bathroom Adventures

Oh, and what about when your toddler becomes a DIY expert in the bathroom? Picture this: they decide to go solo on the toilet, but get up too soon, leaving a lovely surprise on the floor, which they then track up the stairs to proudly announce their “accomplishment” while you’re just trying to brush your teeth.

We’re just getting started. If you’re sensitive, I hope your partner can handle some of the grossness. In our house, that person ended up being me. I’m the one who gets the delightful task of cleaning up all the messes.

Beyond Potty Training

But wait, it doesn’t stop with diapers and toddler antics. I thought the grossness would ease up after potty training. Oh, how wrong I was! One of my kids went through a phase of picking her nose and wiping it on her pillow. I thought this was just my kid until I heard a wild story from a friend about her son wanting to show her his “booger forest.”

And let’s talk about boys and their bathroom habits. No matter how much you teach them to aim, it seems like they just can’t manage it. After a day with a group of boys at our house, our bathroom looked like it had been doused in a fine mist of pee. True story.

Then there’s my sister-in-law who once caught her daughter sucking on the bolts of the toilet. I mean, really? Just when you think kids can’t get any grosser, they prove you wrong.

The Reality of Parenthood

It’s probably no surprise that parents don’t chat about these moments much. They’re messy and a bit embarrassing, which doesn’t quite fit with the picture-perfect idea of parenthood. But hey, it’s the reality, and it’s definitely something to keep in mind as you venture into this wild ride. We’re all in this together, right?

So, now that you’re armed with a little more insight, feel free to go back to your sandwich. Good luck, and may your little ones aim true!

Summary

Motherhood is a journey filled with delightful moments, but it’s also rife with surprising and gross experiences. From the chaotic aftermath of childbirth to messy diaper changes and the trials of potty training, it’s a wild ride that many parents don’t openly discuss. It’s essential to be prepared for the unexpected, and remember, you’re not alone in this adventure.