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An Open Letter to the Creator of Stick Figure Family Car Decals
Dear Creator of Stick Figure Family Car Decals,
Every time I pull up to a stoplight, I’m treated to the delightful details of the life of the person in front of me. You know, the one who spends summers in the Hamptons, adores her Goldendoodle, has a kid who’s a straight-A student at Maple Leaf Academy, and is married to a Yale grad. Lucky her!
Thanks to your quirky invention, I now know more than I ever wanted to about this driver. Her name is Jessica, her husband is named Derek, and they have a kid named Max. Oh, and of course, there’s little Fluffy the dog. And guess what? Baby number two is on the way, and it’s a girl!
Please, I implore you, stop cluttering our roads with these ridiculous stickers. We all know what I mean, so instead of debating proper sticker placement (bottom left corner of the rear window), let’s end this juvenile trend. It’s been going on for far too long, and it seems you’re just capitalizing on tired parents who have lost their grip on rational decision-making.
It’s not just silly; it could actually be dangerous. Yes, I said dangerous. This information is a dream come true for anyone with ill intentions. “Hello, random dude behind me! My name is Sarah, and I’m a single mom who enjoys sipping wine while my daughter Lily entertains herself with her tablet. Follow me home, and you can rob us blind — we don’t even have a dog to protect us, just a pet hamster named Nibbles!”
This is reckless, but I get it: there’s a lot of craziness out there, and you found your niche. Kudos! I hope you’ve made a fortune from this product and are sipping tropical cocktails somewhere glamorous. It would annoy me even more to find out this is just a side gig and all the profits are going to a cat rescue in Idaho.
A car is supposed to evoke a sense of adulthood. After getting married and having a few kids, the last thing anyone wants is to turn into the family minivan stereotype. Do you think women enjoy being categorized by their ability to have kids — or not — through stick figures? We already know what’s inside that vehicle: a frazzled driver in sweatpants who hasn’t seen a shower in days, surrounded by car seats and snack wrappers. It’s a chaotic mess on wheels. Who wants to advertise that?
Speaking of chaos, I can’t help but wonder if you have any connections to Truck Nutz, Reindeer Ears, or other automotive oddities? The creators of those gems seem like they’d fit right in with your crowd! Lastly, I’m curious — are you a man or a woman? If you’re a man, is this some kind of inside joke? If you’re a woman, are you out of your mind?
So, whoever you are, I just wanted to say that while I might be a little envious of your bank account, I truly despise your creation. You’ve done a disservice to our society; you’re right up there with bottomless soda refills and jeggings.
Take your Stick Figures and stick ’em where they belong.
Sincerely,
Emily Thompson
P.S. If you’re interested in more engaging content, check out this post on our blog! Also, for those considering home insemination, Make A Mom offers great resources. And for further support, visit Mount Sinai for helpful information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, this letter humorously criticizes the trend of stick figure family car decals, expressing frustration over their prevalence and potential dangers while playfully questioning the motivations behind their creation.