Modern Motherhood Has Completely Lost It

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My mom has made it crystal clear that some of the things we “modern” mothers do are downright bonkers. She thinks we overanalyze our kids’ feelings. We pamper them too much. We wrap them in a bubble of hand sanitizer and sunscreen.

This makes me wonder: Are we modern moms just a bit too much? Have we turned into parenting maniacs? Here are 30 reasons my mom believes we’ve gone off the deep end…

1. Video baby monitors. My mom insists these gadgets are why we’re all sleep-deprived. We’re glued to those screens, obsessively checking for any sign of discomfort or rolling over (heaven forbid) when really, if the baby is crying, we’ll hear it loud and clear.
2. My calendar is jam-packed with activities for my kids. Because heaven forbid they experience boredom for a single second.
3. All food has to be organic, completely free of dyes, and have no added hormones. My mom agrees with the milk thing—I mean, we were hitting puberty by age nine! But when she sees my grocery list filled with organic this and gluten-free that, I can only imagine her reaction.
4. Clothes have to be 100% cotton. Apparently, my kids are sensitive, but so are many kids these days.
5. All lotions and body washes need to be all-natural and fragrance-free. Sensitive skin, of course.
6. And the laundry detergent? It better be biodegradable and free of dyes, fragrances, and chemicals!
7. Preschool applications take two years! It’s like applying to Harvard. Waiting lists, interviews, and rejections—it’s a whole thing.
8. My kids actually ask for kale smoothies. No joke.
9. Car seats? Buckling them feels like a degree in engineering.
10. Getting out of the house with baby gear takes me forever! There’s just so much stuff we “need” to have a happy baby.
11. My preschool bill is basically a mortgage payment.
12. My kids have never had a hot dog. Choking hazard, you know.
13. Balloons? Nope, not allowed at birthday parties. Choking hazard, again.
14. My kids refer to their anatomy in the most adorable yet cringeworthy ways, like calling their vagina a “Woo Hoo.”
15. They have no idea what a period is. I’m in a public restroom, changing my tampon, and I just say, “Mommy has a boo-boo in her woo-hoo.” Simple enough!
16. My kids sometimes dance like they’re at a club. Thanks, MTV!
17. We analyze poop to ensure they’re getting enough fiber, and believe it or not, we might even share the details with our parents.
18. My kids don’t set the table. (It’s a work in progress.)
19. They don’t fold laundry. (Still working on it.)
20. Beds? Not made. (You guess it, we’re working on it.)
21. We don’t even have a Bible in the house.
22. Birth plans? A million sonograms? Yep, we do that.
23. Gender reveal parties? Who knew that was a thing?
24. My kids beg for Starbucks. Here’s my order: “One kid’s hot chocolate with a sprinkle of cocoa powder on top, soy, please!”
25. I drink wine to cope with being a mom, and my kids have picked up on “Mommy’s Wine Time.”
26. My kids can do yoga poses like downward dog.
27. My car is filled with kiddie music CDs. You know, the ones that drive parents nuts.
28. There’s a thing called too much screen time, and experts won’t stop talking about it.
29. Hand sanitizer is a staple in our daily routine.
30. I analyze every little thing about my kids. I even write about them on my blog and read everything I can about parenting. (Cue eye-roll.)

Why can’t we just go back to basics with balloons, cake, and ice cream? Oh wait, balloons are choking hazards, and cake and ice cream are probably loaded with unhealthy ingredients.

Sigh.

This article was originally published on June 1, 2015.

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Summary:

Modern motherhood has taken some wild turns, with moms obsessing over everything from video baby monitors to gluten-free diets. The pressure to keep our kids safe and healthy has led to some pretty extreme practices, like analyzing poop and avoiding balloons at parties. It’s a humorous look at how far parenting has evolved, leaving many to wonder if simpler times might be better.