The Day I Bumped Into My Ex

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Eight years ago, I was reluctantly initiated into the Divorce Club. I joke that I wanted to stay married, but my ex and his new girlfriend had other ideas. Depending on the audience, this joke either gets hearty laughter or awkward silence.

Since then, life has thrown some serious challenges my way. As a stay-at-home mom for over a decade, finding a job hasn’t exactly been easy. The financial impact of the divorce was brutal. I spent five years fighting for child support, during which I lost my house, my credit, and a significant part of my sanity. Sure, foreclosure and bankruptcy might sound like they build character, but trust me—they’re tough. The emotional toll was just as hard. Raising four kids while trying to keep a roof over their heads was no easy feat. And my ex, who drifted in and out of their lives like a whirlwind, didn’t help either.

Somehow, we managed to get through the darkest days. Now, the kids are thriving—two are in college, and two are in high school. They’re becoming incredible individuals, and I couldn’t be prouder. As for me? I’ve worked really hard to create a stable life. I often write about divorce, and many people reach out to me for advice and encouragement. They want to know that they, too, will be okay and can move past the pain and humiliation of divorce.

And for that, I owe them an apology.

I’m always the one waving the flag of resilience, shouting about how you will survive, forgive, and ultimately move on. I respond to desperate pleas with empowering messages like:

• You’ve got this, girl!
• Sure, it’s devastating when your dreams crumble, but you WILL rise and shine!
• Sooner or later, seeing him won’t feel like a knife in your back.

I’ve praised how well parallel parenting has worked for me, claiming that ignoring my ex has been the secret to my peace.

Well, let me be honest—I was a bit delusional.

A few weeks ago, I unexpectedly ran into my ex, and I didn’t react like someone who had it all together. Nope, I acted like a petulant child.

Here’s the setup: I work late three nights a week at the elementary school. They have a childcare program, and I help manage the office until closing. Our gym is also used for various community activities, and on those nights, I often see participants coming in.

So there I was, in my office, minding my own business, making copies and entering data. The Park and Rec employee was buzzing people in, but his buzzer was broken. I had just walked back from the copy room when I saw someone at the door. I hurried to let them in, and lo and behold—it was my ex. I froze. Like a deer in headlights.

And guess what? He wasn’t alone. He had his adorable toddler with him, the child he had with his new wife.

In that moment, it felt like a scene from a movie. Instead of gracefully handling the situation, I was wishing for a trapdoor to open up beneath me so I could disappear.

Our eyes locked, and I could see the surprise on his face. Meanwhile, I was trying to process a decade’s worth of emotions. Honestly, seeing him being all dad-like with a kid who looked so much like our sons made me feel queasy. It dredged up all my unresolved feelings, and trust me, they were ready to put on a show.

Neither of us spoke. What could I have said? I could’ve played it cool and said something like, “Hey there!” or even “Well, look who it is!” Instead, I could have also gone for something snarky, like, “Wow! You’re actually parenting this one?” But I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I did something I’m not proud of: I made a face at him.

It wasn’t intentional; it just happened. Picture the look someone has when they step in dog poop while barefoot. That was me.

He glanced at me, then down at his child, and back at me. By then, I was still in shock mode. After he left, I started trembling a bit and felt nauseous. But more than that, I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I didn’t simply say hello. Ashamed that he was there, enjoying time with his child while I was on the clock, doing my job. Ashamed that after everything I’ve preached about healing and moving on, all I could do was make a face.

On the drive home, I ranted to myself about how unfair it all was. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, feeling the anger and sadness wash over me. At home, the boys were out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I texted my best friend, poured out my heart, and she listened. I made myself a martini, sat outside, and cried for a bit.

Talk about “moving on,” right?

After the FaceGate incident, I had some realizations. First, maybe this parallel parenting thing isn’t as effective as I thought. If I had to interact with him more often, perhaps it wouldn’t be such a shock. But still, I’m not about to invite him for coffee just to practice being mature.

Second, I need to be honest with myself and those who seek my advice. I’m not as strong as I claim to be, and I’m still on my healing journey.

Lastly, this whole process is hard, and some days are tougher than others. We need to forgive ourselves just as much as we forgive others. I often tell women starting this journey that it’s okay to mess up.

We will all be okay, right? After all, now that I understand what true healing looks like, it might be time to retire that face.

If this resonates with you, check out our other blog post on intracervical insemination. Also, for more on home insemination, visit Make A Mom, an authority on the topic. And for useful information about infertility, Women’s Health has excellent resources.

In summary, facing ex-spouses can be challenging, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Healing is a process, and we all have our moments of weakness. It’s essential to acknowledge those feelings and understand that we’re all in this together, navigating the tough times while also celebrating the victories.