Why I Made the Heart-Wrenching Decision to End My Daughter’s Life

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I want to share a deeply personal story about my daughter, Lily. She was my second daughter, and I lost her to Trisomy 18, a chromosomal disorder that is often deemed incompatible with life. Although I loved her dearly, I felt compelled to end my pregnancy.

It was out of love for her that I sought an abortion, but unfortunately, my request was denied due to the political climate in our state. After holding her tiny, lifeless body in my arms, I promised to advocate for families like ours, hoping to spare them the pain we endured.

The Diagnosis

When I was 16 weeks pregnant, a routine blood test indicated a 1 in 10 chance of Trisomy 18. My doctor quickly set up a meeting with a specialist. The ultrasound revealed a cystic hygroma, a clubbed foot, and growth restrictions, as she measured almost a week behind. We had to wait a week for an amniocentesis, which felt like an eternity. In the meantime, I researched the disorder and connected with other families through the Trisomy 18 Foundation. After the amniocentesis, my husband and I faced the most challenging decision of our lives.

We understood that if our baby had Trisomy 18, doctors wouldn’t take any life-saving measures after birth. Our primary goal was to prevent her from suffering, but how could we make a choice that would end her life? Ultimately, we decided to “say goodbye early,” as the Trisomy 18 Foundation puts it, through a labor and delivery abortion. This method would allow us to hold her, take photographs, and have her remains for cremation—all crucial for creating cherished memories in the short time we had.

The Heartbreak

Receiving the news that she had Trisomy 18 was gut-wrenching. I can still vividly recall sobbing, repeating, “She was so wanted. I wanted her so much.” I thought obtaining the procedure would be straightforward since abortion is legal in the U.S., and my doctor initially believed the same. However, during a follow-up visit, we learned that local hospitals wouldn’t perform the procedure due to the political climate. Our doctor suggested we travel four hours to Atlanta to a clinic specializing in late-term abortions. This wasn’t our ideal plan, but I was determined to protect my child from pain.

When we arrived at the clinic, we learned we wouldn’t be able to hold her or keep her remains. My heart broke again, but my priority was to spare her from suffering. To make matters worse, we found ourselves waiting among women terminating pregnancies for different reasons, which only deepened my despair. If the laws in our state had been different, we wouldn’t have been forced into this situation. I realized that those women were facing their own struggles, despite our different circumstances.

The Decision

After hours of waiting, we were told that due to a paperwork error, we couldn’t proceed with the procedure that day. We would need to return the following week. An ultrasound revealed minimal brain matter and low amniotic fluid, confirming our fears about her kidneys not functioning.

The decision to terminate the pregnancy was incredibly difficult, and making the trip to Atlanta was emotionally taxing. We ultimately chose to come home and let nature take its course. Each day, I wondered if she had died inside me, living in a constant state of anxiety and grief. I lost weight and struggled to maintain a semblance of normalcy for my family.

Finding Solace

When Lily was stillborn, I found solace in knowing she’d never experience suffering. I vowed to advocate for change, sharing our story to help others facing similar situations. I’ve debated the issue online, spoken before our state legislature, and created a video to raise awareness about restrictive laws. No parent should feel shame for making a compassionate choice regarding a sick child. If parents can decide to end treatment for a terminally ill child, why shouldn’t we have the same right for an unborn child?

As much as I fight for a woman’s right to choose, I also support a woman’s autonomy to carry to term. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer when families face a difficult prenatal diagnosis. We all love our children and want what’s best for them, and we should have the freedom to make those decisions without judgment. If you’re interested in learning more about the complexities of pregnancy and the choices involved, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy.

Conclusion

In summary, my experience with Lily has motivated me to advocate for healthcare rights, highlighting the need for more compassionate options in difficult circumstances. If you want to dive deeper into the topic of home insemination, visit this link for more information on fertility kits.