Why I’m Considering a Divorce, Even Though It Terrifies Me

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I’ve been married for nearly 12 years. Over that time, we’ve built a life together—purchased a home, acquired a car, adopted a rabbit, and welcomed three kids into our family. We’ve experienced laughter, tears, and everything in between, but now I find myself wanting a divorce.

The challenge is, I’m afraid to voice this desire to anyone.

My husband is a genuinely good man—he’s well-respected in our community and has a reputation for being kind. Friends often comment on how lovely he is, and my family proudly tells others that I married someone with a “heart of gold.” I hear frequently how fortunate I am to have him. So how can I possibly ask for a divorce when, from the outside, everything appears fine?

We don’t argue, he’s not abusive, and I haven’t been unfaithful—nor do I wish to be. The truth is, we simply don’t connect as husband and wife anymore.

Since our youngest started school, I’ve struggled to find work, which has severely impacted my self-esteem. I often feel like I’m only valued as a mother. I can’t even recall the last time my husband complimented me or told me I looked nice. It’s not that he doesn’t think those things anymore; it feels more like he’s stopped making an effort and has started taking me for granted. It’s been an entire year since we were intimate. One full year. At 35, I don’t want to face a lifetime without that part of a relationship.

I feel shallow admitting that, but it’s not merely about the physical aspect. I crave the intimacy of affection—like spontaneous kisses or gentle touches. Instead, we interact more like siblings, and honestly, who wants to be married to their brother?

Another layer complicating things is our financial situation. While I’ve been searching for work that fits around our kids’ schedules, including one with special needs, the rising cost of living adds stress. We can pay our bills and provide for our children, but that’s about it.

My husband often tells me to be content with what we have, and while I am grateful for our beautiful children, a stable home, and good health, I long for more. I want to afford music lessons for my kids, take them on vacations, and dine out without worrying about the bill. I want to sleep peacefully, not lying awake anxious about the next month’s finances.

I’ve urged my husband to seek a better-paying job, but he insists I should find work too. The part-time job market is incredibly competitive, especially for positions that accommodate children. Last week alone, I applied for 27 part-time office jobs, but many don’t even respond, and those that do often send standard rejection letters.

I want a better life for myself and my children. I refuse to be the “miserable mom.” I want my kids to have joyful childhoods, without the constant worry of affording activities like summer camp. I yearn to thrive, while he seems content with just getting by. With our initial dreams now realized, we’ve drifted apart.

I can’t share these feelings with anyone. I fear being judged, turning my husband into the victim while I’m labeled as selfish or cruel. A friend faced similar backlash when she left her husband, so I worry about the shame I might endure. Society often dismisses divorce initiated by women unless there’s an affair or abuse involved.

Why would anyone leave a seemingly perfect man like my husband? The assumption would be that I must be ungrateful or even unkind. What about our kids? I despise feeling resigned to my situation, and I hate that I’m growing resentful towards a man who truly has a good heart.

When I recently told my daughter to stand up for herself against unkindness, I realized I need to follow my own advice.

If you relate to this story, check out one of our other blog posts here. Additionally, Make a Mom is a great resource for those interested in home insemination, and ASRM offers excellent information on pregnancy and insemination.

In summary, while I understand the complexities of my situation, I am grappling with the desire for change in my life, even if it means facing the fears that come with contemplating divorce.