When to Consider Moving Out of Your Autistic Teen’s Space

home insemination Kit

Ben bursts through the front door, clutching a bag of fast food in one hand while the other holds a soda. He drops his backpack on the floor and I rush over to give him a hug, which he kind of returns. Sundays are our family afternoons, and my partner, Mark, and I have five kids in total. Ben is the middle child, born second in a set of twins, and he has the biggest hands and the cutest, rarest dimpled smile. When he turned 17, we faced the heart-wrenching decision to place him in an Intermediate Care Facility for Individuals with Intellectual Disabilities (ICF/IID), commonly known as a group home.

In the year leading up to his move, Ben exhibited violent behavior, sexual aggression, and even started smearing feces. Looking back, I realize I should have sought placement sooner, for his wellbeing and the safety of our other kids—not to mention the toll it took on my partner and me as our anxiety and stress levels soared. Ben has Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 3, which is often referred to as severe autism. He can manage a few words but is mostly nonverbal. He also suffers from a serious case of pica, making it crucial for us to closely monitor him to prevent him from ingesting harmful items. Despite years of toilet training, he still wears diapers. As he went through adolescence, his rapid growth made him a formidable and sometimes dangerous presence. The incidents of his troubling behaviors escalated to the point where our home felt like a war zone.

I vividly remember waking Ben one morning, only to discover he had taken off his clean diaper and smeared feces all over his face. In moments like that, you have to suppress your disgust to clean him up, and it’s a battle between sadness and anger. Sometimes, I would even find myself speaking in the second person, trying to detach from the reality of the situation.

We dealt with daily violent episodes, with Mark usually being the main target. I’ve received my fair share of kicks and punches too. Mark was skilled at keeping Ben from hurting him while also protecting our other children, but occasionally he’d end up with bruises from trying to hold Ben back.

There were rare moments of humor, like when Mark would joke around with Ben to diffuse a situation. One time, while defending the kids, he exclaimed, “Not today, Zurg!” in a goofy Buzz Lightyear voice, which startled Ben and made him wander off. Unfortunately, that tactic didn’t work again.

A week after Ben moved out, I found myself crying in the grocery store because we no longer bought lactose-free milk or his favorite snacks. For the first six months, every sight of him brought a wave of guilt, anxiety about his well-being, and an overwhelming sense of loss.

Sundays are bittersweet; as soon as Ben walks in, I mentally check off a list of concerns—Is his hair cut? Has he been shaved? How clean are his nails? The truth is, despite my high standards, the group home is doing a much better job than I ever could. They have 24/7 supervision—something our family couldn’t manage with four other kids and full-time jobs. This placement has been the best choice for both Ben and our family, yet I feel guilty for the relief it brings.

Ben often wants to go over the calendar when he sees me, hoping for reassurance about his visits. He misses me, and I miss him too, but living together just isn’t feasible right now.

Ben has been on a waiting list for funding to support him living at home for nine long years. I hope that he reaches the top of that list soon, but when that day comes, I plan to decline the opportunity.

This piece originally appeared on June 13, 2015, and it’s a reminder that sometimes, making the tough choice leads to the best outcomes for everyone involved. For more insights about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource on facts about fertility.

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Summary

Parenting an autistic teen comes with unique challenges that can strain family dynamics. In some cases, placing a child in a specialized care facility can provide much-needed relief and support for both the child and the family. Navigating feelings of guilt, anxiety, and longing is part of the journey, but sometimes, the most difficult decisions lead to the best outcomes for everyone involved.