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Why I’m Choosing Not to Divorce
Let’s be real: parenting can be a total nightmare. But it can also be the most rewarding experience ever. Often, both things happen at the same time.
Take this morning, for instance. I woke up feeling exhausted and really wasn’t in the mood for our usual morning routine—what my son Leo and I affectionately call “our time.” That’s our little tradition of playing games or doodling together on the couch after he gets up. Adding to my irritation, my daughter Mia was sleep-deprived and cranky, while little Max was in full meltdown mode because I cut his pancakes the wrong way. Yep, I messed that one up. So yeah, this morning was rough.
But then, somehow, it also felt miraculous. Mia was in the bathroom with Leo, brushing his hair, while I tried to get through emails on my phone as Max munched away at breakfast. Watching him eat was adorable; he looked like a mini teddy bear, completely engrossed in his task. First, he devoured his pancakes, then he casually pushed them aside to dig into his oatmeal.
Max is now in a nursery program a couple of mornings a week, and his teacher recently taught him a neat trick: lean over the bowl so the mess stays in there and not on his shirt. So, this morning, he was sitting up a little straighter, bending over his oatmeal like a pro. The way he concentrated was so endearing it made my heart melt. I swear, sometimes the love I feel is almost overwhelming; for a moment, I felt like a teenager at a concert, all fluttery and weak-kneed.
In one moment, I’m stressed and overwhelmed, and in the next, my heart swells with joy. The highs of parenting can be so high that they wash away the lows.
So what’s the alternative? What was I doing with my time before kids? Sure, I could be lounging on the couch watching a movie or sleeping in, and while that sounds tempting, deep down, I wouldn’t trade this chaos for anything. A New York magazine article from 2010 aptly named “All Joy and No Fun” points out that while parents often feel more stressed day-to-day, they also find a profound sense of purpose and satisfaction in the long run.
Yes, parenting is a rollercoaster of transcendent moments mixed with stress, sleepless nights, and a complete lack of intimacy. That’s why I think it’s not the best time to make any major life decisions.
Here’s a little rule I’ve set for myself: before I get annoyed at a slow driver, I ask, “Have I had less than seven hours of sleep, eaten a pile of cookies, or had a spat with my partner?” If the answer is yes to any of those, I cut the driver some slack.
This same idea applies to our partners. We need to advocate for our needs while also allowing some space and grace. We have to accept that chaos is part of the deal. Honestly, I believe couples with young children should be discouraged from divorcing. With so much going on and so little sleep, it’s hard to make rational decisions. Of course, if there’s abuse or true incompatibility, then that’s a different story.
But typically, the person you fell in love with will come back as the kids grow older. I remember when my partner, Sarah, changed from a joyful spirit to someone who felt more like a grumpy bear after we had kids. I get it; sleepless nights and the constant demands of parenting can transform anyone. Luckily, in time, she returned to her old self. One morning, she woke up and said, “Wow, where have I been?” If we had divorced, I would have lost out on so many wonderful moments with her.
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In summary, parenting is a wild ride filled with ups and downs, but the joys far outweigh the challenges. I’m choosing to stick with my partner through this chaotic yet beautiful journey because the love we share is worth it.