Life When Your Next Big Birthday Will Be Your 50th

home insemination Kit

You’ve done it. You’ve created a beautiful life. That’s what everyone tells you. You’ve married your best friend (25 years and going strong!), raised two wonderful kids, and built a warm, inviting home. You’ve got friends near and far, a loyal rescue pup, and a job that many only dream of. You truly feel blessed. You express gratitude to whichever forces may be watching over you. “Thank you,” you quietly say. “Thank you.”

Time seems to be slipping through your fingers as you hear the familiar phrases tossed around: “Time flies,” “This year will be over before we know it,” and “How is it summer already? It feels like just yesterday we were shoveling snow.” You catch a glimpse of yourself in a shop window and for a split second, you mistake your reflection for your mother’s. But she’s been gone for eight years. That thought lingers, so you change your hair color and buy a new outfit. You embrace your age, yet wonder why you’re starting to look like her.

Scrolling through social media, you encounter stories of people your age—or younger—facing unexpected heart attacks, battling cancer, or going through sudden divorces. You read about their struggles, their resilience, and their hopes. You knock on wood, feeling grateful. “Please, not me. Not my family,” you whisper, grappling with guilt. Why are you the fortunate one?

You feel like you’re in a protective bubble. Luckily, nothing serious has affected you—well, aside from that one time you nearly lost your life to pneumonia that spiraled into sepsis. Where did that come from? The doctors are baffled. You consider yourself fortunate to have survived but wonder: does surviving mean you’re strong, or does it mean you were weak to fall ill in the first place? You push those thoughts aside and celebrate another birthday, indulging in a second slice of cake. You’ve emerged victorious. Awareness is the prize you’ve gained.

You often lose track of what year it is, and sometimes even what day of the week. Your memory has gaps—friends recount moments you can’t quite grasp, and you listen intently, absorbing their stories as if they belong to someone else. You fill the void in your memory with their narratives, never truly knowing if they align with your own experiences. It’s like that “baby brain” they warned you about during pregnancy, except it never really goes away.

Soon, you’ll be hitting the big 5-0. It’s not happening this year or next, but it’s on the horizon. That milestone felt so far away when you first got married and your boss shared his own 50th. Back then, it seemed ancient, as if life was solidified—set in stone instead of flowing freely. Stability is comforting, you reassure yourself. Happiness, health, financial security, and career success are all positive. Yet, there’s a wildness in you yearning to break free, a desire to scream at the top of your lungs—not in anger or sadness, but just to let loose.

You remember a book you read not long ago, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Even though you’re far beyond her age in that journey, you get what she felt. You’ve never hiked a single trail, but you know the feeling of searching for something more. Instead of embarking on a journey, you write about it. You want to bottle up this fleeting moment called life. A line from your favorite ’80s movie, St. Elmo’s Fire, comes to mind: “We’re all going through this,” Rob Lowe says to Demi Moore. It’s about that group of 22-year-olds, and you watched it when you were 18. Now, you could be their mother, yet you still feel like you’re teetering on the brink of something grand.

Right here, right now—this is what you have. You want to imprint every detail of this moment in your mind, knowing that by next year, it will blend into a tapestry of memories, both good and mostly good. Threads of experiences will weave together as you grow older. You’ll try to document it all, so you can look back and ask, “Who is this woman?” years down the line. “I don’t recognize her.” But deep down, you know it’s still you. The wildness remains, and you’re still on the edge of something exciting. It’s still your time.

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In summary, as you approach your 50th birthday, you reflect on your life filled with gratitude, memories, and a desire for the wildness that still beats within you. Amidst the chaos of life, you remain determined to capture each fleeting moment.