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Navigating the Challenge of a Son Who Never Says ‘I Love You’
My son is five, a delightful mix of humor and sensitivity, cautious yet kind. He’s my firstborn, and my love for him runs deep. I express this love daily—when I see him in the morning, as he heads off to school, at bedtime, and plenty of times in between. Yet, I can count on one hand the instances where he has said those three magic words back to me.
Most of the time, I’m okay with this. I know he loves me; his joy is palpable when he runs to me, excitedly calling out “Mommy!” after even a short separation. He instinctively reaches for my hand when he’s scared or upset, and he creates these imaginative drawings filled with monsters, hearts, and planets. He shares his thoughts and dreams with me. Still, there are moments when I long to hear him say, “I love you.”
A year ago, shortly after his sibling arrived, he went through a phase where he would exclaim, “I hate you.” The first time, it felt like a knife to my heart, but I calmly explained that those words were powerful and hurtful. He seemed to get it.
But soon after, during a car ride home, he wanted to wear his sister’s new nail polish. When I told him he needed to ask her first, I heard a muffled “I hate you” from the backseat. We had just parked, and I was at a loss. I took a moment to collect myself before heading inside, where I let the tears flow. All I do is give—love, warmth, care, and even life itself. A “thank you” would be nice, but “I hate you”?
After some time, I came back downstairs, ready to discuss it, but upon seeing him, the hurt resurfaced. Tears streamed down my face. He looked startled; he rarely sees me cry. “I’m sorry!” he pleaded, “Don’t cry!” But what I truly needed was to hear him say he loved me.
Days later, as I tucked him in, he admitted, “Mommy, I made a mistake. That time I said I hated you? That was a mistake.” I assured him I understood. He stopped saying “I hate you,” but “I love you” didn’t follow suit. My daughter, on the other hand, freely expresses her love, often saying things like, “Mommy! I need to see you!” or during bedtime, she’ll spontaneously declare her affection for relatives. My son, however, remains uncertain about love. He’s logical and introspective, often pondering the meaning of love.
I thought I had come to terms with not needing those words from him, but then, Monday happened. My husband usually drops off our daughter at school while I take our son, which means a disruption in their routine. As we drove away, I could see our daughter’s sad face pressed against the window, crying. I mentioned to my son, “She’s feeling really sad. It’s hard for her when Daddy drops her off.” He replied, “I like Daddy.” Then, “I like Daddy more than you.” Ouch.
I calmly said, “That’s not very nice. That hurts my feelings.” Flustered, he backtracked, saying, “I mean, I don’t know. I like both of you. I don’t know who I like more.” In my head, I thought, “Like? Seriously?” and maybe a guilty part of me added, “You don’t know who gave you life?” Out loud, I said, “You don’t need to choose.”
We continued our drive, but I really wanted to hear him say it. Why was this so difficult? He can express his love for toys and characters, but not for me? Finally, I said, “I love you. I really love you a lot. I know it’s hard for you to say, but I believe you love me too.” I glanced at him through the rearview mirror. He bowed his head as if he would shake it. Instead, he looked up with tears in his eyes and reached out his hand from the back seat. Our hands wouldn’t touch, but I reached back, playfully quoting Super Friends, “I can’t…reach…you.” We both laughed, and though he didn’t say the words, I knew he felt it.
This experience is a reminder that love comes in many forms, and sometimes, understanding transcends words. If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, check out this related post on our blog.
In summary, navigating the emotional landscape of a child’s affection can be challenging. While verbal expressions of love may not come easily, understanding and connection can manifest in countless ways.