Oh, the whirlwind of labor and delivery! Those nurses are in and out at all hours, checking vitals, giving you a good prod here and there, and—surprise!—they push down hard on your abdomen post-delivery. No one warned me about that! It’s a wild ride, and while I appreciate learning how to give my new little guy his first bath, I’m here to tell you that there are a whole lot of other lessons that would be way more useful for us boy moms. Let’s dive into the real education that should happen in the hospital.
Having welcomed four energetic boys into the world, I can assure you that knowing how to bathe a baby is just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s a list of essential “classes” that would be much more beneficial for new boy moms, because you’ll definitely want to be prepared for what’s coming:
- How to Assemble Anything and Everything
This isn’t just about Legos, folks. If you’re expecting your first boy, skip Lamaze and grab a massive Lego set instead. Dump the pieces everywhere, toss some in the trash, and then try to put that emergency vehicle back together—without the instructions! Trust me, you’ll be reassembling toys and gadgets for years. A crash course in mechanical assembly would be a lifesaver, especially when your son inevitably decides to disassemble something important. - Basic Haircuts for Boys
By the time you’ve got a couple of boys, you’ll probably figure this out—after a few hair disasters. A quick tutorial from a local cosmetology school about using clippers would have been a game changer. You’ll end up saving loads of cash on haircuts, and let’s be real, nobody wants to pay a fortune for a trim while they’re at Target for the hundredth time this week. - Stitches 101
As someone who has sewn everything from clothes to curtains, I can confidently say that stitching up a small cut isn’t rocket science. Hospitals should consider sending new moms home with a basic sewing kit and a few lessons on when to use stitches versus when a simple bandage will do. It could save you a trip to the ER and a hefty bill. - Toilet Trouble Management
Let’s talk toilet repairs—this is a skill you’ll need. Understanding how to pull up the toilet and fish out whatever your little one has flushed down there could save you a ton of money on plumbing fees. A visit from the hospital’s maintenance team instead of the lactation consultant might have been a better use of time. - Anatomy Vocabulary for Boys
Before having boys, I thought there were only a couple of names for their private parts. Little did I know, I would soon be introduced to a whole new vocabulary. A quick guide to the colorful terms boys use would have been super helpful—definitely something that should be included with the discharge papers! - Extra Credit Skills
Once you feel prepared with the above, there are a few more things you might want to tackle:
– Mastering the art of tying a tie in the car.
– Learning how to put out random fires from experiments gone wrong.
– Packing groceries like a Tetris champion because you’ll be buying in bulk.
– Fixing buttons and zippers that will inevitably break during growth spurts.
– And, of course, picking up some poker skills for those inevitable game nights with the kids.
And let’s be honest, soon enough, your castle will be filled with girlfriends vying for your attention, so embrace your reign while you can!
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In summary, birthing a boy is just the beginning of a wild adventure! While learning the basics of baby care is essential, understanding the unique challenges that come with raising boys will prepare you for the rollercoaster ride ahead.