Navigating the Balance: Being a Great Mom and a Good Partner

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“I’m at my wits’ end! I’m trying to whip up dinner and the kids won’t stop demanding things. There are THREE of them and only ONE of me! Plus, I can’t even get the DAMN LIGHTBULB installed in the bathroom!”

That was my greeting to my partner, Mark, as he walked in the door last night. No “hi,” no smile, and definitely no kiss. Honestly, I hadn’t even showered that day, so he probably got lucky. Just pure frustration and chaos about lightbulbs. It was a real low point, and unfortunately, it’s what he got when he came home. He’s seen my meltdowns before, but this? This was a new level of craziness.

Things settled down after dinner. As I was tidying up the kitchen, Mark came over, wrapped his arms around me, and said, “I’m sorry your day was tough.” In that moment, I felt awful. The truth is, it wasn’t a bad day. It was pretty typical, really. There were ups and downs, but overall, nothing too overwhelming. The kids made some cute drawings, we turned them into tunnel decorations, and they devoured their lunch, which featured applesauce and cheese. Even though the twins skipped nap time, the baby snoozed for nearly three hours. So, looking back, it could have been much worse.

What happened was that everything hit me at once. I was sautéing mushrooms, stirring beans, and microwaving rice when the twins decided they needed my undivided attention on their potties. They insisted I change the bulb in our ancient bathroom fixture because apparently, it was “too dark to pee.” Meanwhile, the baby tore apart the artwork that we’d just taped onto their tunnel, creating a loud scene as her sisters joined in the chaos. Let’s not forget the dog, who decided to throw up right at that moment, making the smell of burnt beans even more unbearable.

And of course, all of this happened just as Mark walked through the door. He came home to a sweaty, furious wife and assumed it had been a challenging day. Once I had a moment to reflect, I realized something significant:

My husband rarely sees me at my best.

At my best, I’m fun, creative, and full of energy. At my worst? I’m irritable, grumpy, and distant. Usually, I fall somewhere in between those extremes. My kids often get my best, and sometimes my writing does too, but my husband? He doesn’t.

I worry this is how relationships start to fray. I fear he thinks I’m always stressed and yelling when it’s just me and the kids, but that’s not the case. He misses the me who’s had a good morning after coffee, post-rush hour, when I might have even managed to shower. That’s when we cuddle, read books, or dance around the living room.

Weekends are a bit better, but with little ones in tow, they don’t feel like the typical weekend. Sure, we manage the occasional date night, but not nearly enough.

I love that I can be myself around Mark. He genuinely doesn’t care if I’m wearing makeup or what I’m wearing. I know he loves me and appreciates the family we’ve built together. We’re partners, and we signed up for this crazy life.

But I also want to be fun, engaging, and yes, a little sexy when I’m with him. I want him to see that I’m more than just a frazzled mess in a sauce-splattered t-shirt. I’m sure he knows that on some level, but how long can he hold onto that belief without any proof? How can I show him my best self? How do other stay-at-home moms manage this? Does he ever worry about these things too?

Maybe this is just a phase of parenting young kids. Perhaps, once I carve out some personal time for reading, writing, and exercising, I’ll have the energy to be my best when Mark is home. Then, I can stop shouting about lightbulbs and wear a clean shirt once in a while. We both deserve that.

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Summary:

This article reflects on the struggles of balancing motherhood and partnership. It explores how the challenges of parenting can sometimes overshadow the best self we want to show to our partners. The author expresses a desire to reconnect with her husband in a more positive light while juggling the demands of family life.