Giving Birth Is Not Meant to Be Orgasmic

home insemination Kit

In an effort to combat my body’s gradual transformation into something resembling a marshmallow, I enrolled in a ‘Yoga for Pregnancy’ class when I hit the seven-month mark. I was a bit uneasy about it since I had never A) tried yoga before, or B) been known for my flexibility. And let’s be real, pregnancy didn’t exactly make me more agile.

More than a few people had compared my “athleticism” to that of a stubborn mule or a clumsy character from a cartoon. But hey, what better time to get fit than when you’re seven months pregnant? This was my first brush with anything remotely “granola,” so I did my best to maintain a chill demeanor. The class was led by a 60-something former hippie, and we started with introductions: our names, due dates, and our Doulas.

I didn’t have a Doula, but desperate to fit in, I blurted out a name that came to mind—Betty Bakes. I had developed a bit of a fixation on baked goods during my pregnancy.

By the second class, we were introduced to a list of DVDs available for borrowing from our instructor. All revolved around birth the “natural” way: titles like Labor … The Best Time Ever, Epidurals are for Wimps, Your Doctor; The Devil, How to Have Your Baby Like a Wild Animal, and Orgasmic Birth.

I couldn’t help but laugh, appreciating the absurdity, but when no one else joined in, I quickly changed my laughter into a fake sneeze. From the moment I announced my pregnancy, friends had bombarded me with horror stories about their shredded vaginas—“horny” was never a word that crossed my mind during these conversations.

I glanced around to see if anyone else shared my shock. Nope. It was as if the instructor had just announced the weather. Orgasmic Birth? No sign of discomfort. Everyone nodded as if those two words belonged together. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Then the instructor began sharing her own experiences, which included the unforgettable moment of “orgasming” as her son made his grand entrance. My stomach churned. I sincerely hoped this was not something she had ever shared with him.

While I was mostly grossed out, I have to admit a part of me was curious. When I finally told my husband about it later, he was intrigued too.

It took me the entire six weeks of class to muster the courage to borrow the DVD titled Orgasmic Birth. We popped it into the player without even taking off our coats. What followed was one of the strangest experiences of my life. My husband’s expression shifted from excitement to horror faster than I could blink. He probably imagined something steamy, but quickly realized he was in for a wild ride of engorged, hair-covered women moaning and writhing in what looked like a murky pool of questionable water. Yes, they seemed to be experiencing pleasure while giving birth. Definitely something you can’t un-see.

Some of these women were in kiddie pools decorated with cartoon fish, which only added to the absurdity. Family members watched with strained smiles, while others snapped pictures. I couldn’t help but think they were all doing this completely sober, and family Thanksgiving gatherings were about to get very awkward. I was entranced, like a bystander at a terrible car accident—unable to look away but not knowing how to process what I was watching.

My husband, on the verge of panic, shut off the DVD and hurled the remote across the room. We sat in silence, staring at the wall for what felt like an eternity before getting up for lunch as if nothing had happened. We never spoke of it again.

There was no part of me that wanted anything to do with orgasmic birth, and I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with the instructor again. A few months later, I gave birth in the most clinical, painful, and utterly non-sensual way possible, and that, my friends, was the best gift I could ever give my daughter.

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Summary:

In this humorous take on pregnancy, Laura Jenkins recounts her experience in a ‘Yoga for Pregnancy’ class, where she encounters the bizarre concept of “orgasmic birth.” While she tries to fit in, the realities of childbirth become hilariously absurd as she and her husband react to a shocking DVD on the topic. Ultimately, her own birth experience is a far cry from what was presented, leaving her with a mix of humor and horror.