Depression Is My Unlikely Teacher in Motherhood

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Depression hasn’t always shown me my best side as a friend, sister, daughter, or partner. Honestly, it’s often turned me into a pretty subpar version of myself. I tend to pull away from loved ones, finding refuge in the bathroom (why does it always end up being the bathroom?) behind locked doors. I’ll curl up on the cold tiles, hiding in the dark, feeling overwhelmed and lost. I withdraw from everything, and by the time I emerge, hurtful words have been exchanged and tears have flowed. Yet, if there’s one silver lining to my experience with depression, it’s how it has shaped my parenting.

Navigating Motherhood

Let’s be real: navigating motherhood while in the depths of a depressive episode is no small feat. It can feel nearly impossible. I find myself forcing smiles and struggling to keep my cool, often teetering on the edge of frustration when my little one has a tantrum or resists wearing her diaper. Recently, she has taken to throwing her food and even swatting my hand when I try to correct her behavior. It’s a test of my strength to turn that anger into tears instead.

Even during our calm moments—walking to the park or snuggling on the couch watching her favorite show—I often battle with my thoughts. Those quiet times seem to amplify my racing mind, making me feel like I’m miles away from my daughter, even when she’s nestled in my lap. It’s a strange paradox of closeness and isolation.

Finding Joy in Motherhood

But, thankfully, those depressive episodes aren’t my everyday reality. On a good day, I’m the loving, playful mom I aspire to be. I relish taking my daughter to the playground, blowing bubbles, and indulging in our colorful adventures (I mean, who says the sky can’t be green?). On those better days, I’m the quirky, generous, and sometimes clumsy person I want to show my child.

Lessons in Parenting

So, how does this struggle with depression impact my parenting? For one thing, it’s teaching my daughter about the importance of apologies. She’s learning accountability and forgiveness, and that it’s completely okay to ask for help and to cry.

My struggles allow her to see the not-so-pretty parts of life. Instead of drowning in guilt, I’m learning to embrace my imperfections and share them with her. I’m showing her that it’s okay for mommy to have tough days and that her behavior isn’t the cause of my sadness. I’m learning to open up rather than retreat, keeping the bathroom door ajar and maybe even flipping on the lights.

I’m discovering that saying sorry for my actions doesn’t mean I’m apologizing for my mental health. Living with depression may not align with my expectations, but I’m navigating it the best I can. So, here’s to you, depression. While you’re still a constant challenge, you’ve inadvertently made me a better mom and, hopefully, a better role model for my daughter.

Resources for Further Learning

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In summary, while depression complicates my life and motherhood, it has also imparted important lessons that are shaping my daughter into a compassionate and understanding individual.