When I think back to my teenage years and picture my parents revealing that they were both previously married to others before tying the knot with each other, it makes my heart race a little. Thankfully, I never had to discover that surprising fact myself. My parents have been happily married for over four decades and still enjoy holding hands. However, I’m now in a position where I need to share this same information with my own two kids to avoid it becoming an unnecessary family secret.
I got married at 29, but that union ended just three years later. My husband, Tom, had an even shorter first marriage. Neither of us had children during those relationships, and while both breakups felt like the end of the world at the time, they were amicable. Friends would often say, “At least you didn’t have kids,” which was both annoying and unhelpful—trust me, if you’re considering saying this to someone going through a divorce, it’s best to wait a year or two before offering any silver linings.
While our friends were celebrating weddings and baby showers, we were stuck in mediations over property that suddenly felt a lot less romantic without a partner to share the expenses. I joked that my dating app profile could be summed up as SWD (single with dog). My canine companion, Bella, had severe separation anxiety, and honestly, I was feeling the same way too.
I worried about how awkward it would be to explain my divorce to a potential date at 32. Would he think I was a cat lady with a TV permanently tuned to home shopping? What would his parents say about him dating a divorcee? I stressed about what family, friends, and even DMV staff might think when I had to change my name on my license. Back then, it felt like being divorced was a huge deal, especially in 2007 when it seemed like nobody in my circle had been through it.
Fast forward four years, and not only was I happily remarried, but I also had two little ones. I had managed to push aside those first-world worries that once consumed me. Now, however, a new concern has emerged: how and when do I tell my kids that both their parents were married before?
Having just turned 40, my kids are now 3 and 5, and I know this conversation needs to happen eventually. I want to prevent them from discovering it through an old wedding photo (yes, I kept a few) or an awkward comment from a distant relative. While Tom thinks it’s a non-issue, it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. My daughter has asked about divorce, and I’ve explained it in simple terms suitable for her age: “Sometimes, two people choose not to stay married for various reasons—maybe they don’t get along, or someone gets hurt. But that won’t happen with Mom and Dad.”
She even joked about divorcing her imaginary husband, Mr. Sprout, because he was “mean.” Does that mean she can understand the concept? I keep debating whether I should wait until they’re older or if I should just tell them now in a straightforward way to keep it from feeling like a secret.
How do you explain to your kids that you once made a significant mistake that was painful but ultimately led you to happiness and to them? I guess you just go for it. After all, it’s actually quite a good story.
If you’re navigating this journey of parenting and relationships, you might want to check out other blogs for insights on home insemination and family dynamics. This article is a great starting point for understanding the process of family building, especially if you are looking into home insemination options here. For more information on artificial insemination, you can visit this trusted resource. Additionally, if you’re looking for more guidance on pregnancy and home insemination, Healthline offers excellent resources.
Summary
Explaining past marriages to children can be daunting, but it’s essential to keep the conversation open and honest. As a parent, balancing your past experiences with the present can be tricky, but it ultimately leads to a stronger bond with your kids.