Understanding My Daughter’s Journey with Asperger’s

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“I’m sorry. It’s just who I am.” That was my almost seven-year-old daughter, Clara’s, way of apologizing after a major meltdown in class yesterday, where she ended up telling her best friend she wasn’t her friend anymore.

As a mom navigating the challenges of raising a child with Asperger’s, I tried to guide her toward a more heartfelt apology, urging her that her words sounded more like an excuse rather than an honest expression of regret. I wanted her to tap into her empathy, which I know is there, even if it doesn’t always show up at the right moments.

Encouraging Empathy

“Maybe you could tell her you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean it, and that she really is your friend?” I suggested.

Clara looked at me, unimpressed. “It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. And that’s what I’m going to say.”

Despite my attempts to redirect her thoughts, she boarded the school bus still anxious, fixated on needing me to write an apology for her. Writing was a struggle for her; it made her hands cramp and she just couldn’t do it. Overwhelmed, she declared she wouldn’t even talk to her friend that day.

Recognizing My Own Challenges

As I mulled over my feelings of inadequacy as a parent, I realized I was pushing too hard. In my quest to teach her how others think and feel, I overlooked her own challenges. People often see her as more capable than she really is, failing to consider her sensory overload and social misunderstandings.

Sometimes, it feels like she’s a modern-day Veruca Salt, convinced that one more stuffed animal will solve her overwhelming feelings from too much sensory input and social interactions that feel impossible to process. To her, finding a tangible solution makes sense, even when it seems illogical to us.

A Difficult Conversation

After her outburst, Clara called me from the principal’s office, sounding defeated. “I told her she couldn’t come to my birthday party and then said she wasn’t my friend anymore, but I was just being sarcastic.”

“Sweetheart, that’s not sarcasm,” I replied gently, knowing that this is a tricky concept for her. I resolved to explain it better later, while also reminding her to apologize to her friend.

I was quick to point out her mistakes: the tantrum in school, the misused sarcasm. But deep down, I recognized she was just a kid grappling with disappointment and confusion when her friend declined the party invitation. Her emotions became too big, and she exploded. I felt for her friend, but even more so for Clara, who couldn’t navigate what should have been a simple social situation.

Acknowledging Her Struggles

While I’m sorry for any hurt she caused, and I want her to take responsibility for her actions, I also have to acknowledge her struggles. Yes, she’s intelligent and charming, but she also has moments where she just doesn’t fit the mold. It might not make sense to others, but sometimes, it’s just the Asperger’s.

A Moment of Pride

On a positive note, Clara’s teacher later told me that she did manage to apologize to her friend that day. She found her own way to express it, and I couldn’t be prouder of her for that.

Additional Resources

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Conclusion

In summary, parenting a child with Asperger’s comes with unique challenges and moments of frustration, but it’s also filled with pride as they learn and grow in their own way. Acknowledging their struggles while encouraging their strengths is key to understanding their journey.