I Can’t Be the Only Parent Struggling with the Mommy Wars

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Yesterday was Tommy’s two-month checkup, and during the visit, the doctor casually asked how often I nurse him throughout the day. That one simple question threw me into a tailspin. Am I the mom who schedules feedings, or the one who lets Tommy nurse on demand?

I can easily list the benefits of both approaches. Scheduled feedings mean:

• Better digestive regularity
• Reduced likelihood of snacking
• Improved milk supply regulation
• Easier planning for appointments and outings

On the other hand, on-demand feeding means:

• Less crying
• Plenty of milk
• A more relaxed lifestyle (since I’m nursing more)
• Lots of bonding time with my baby

The truth is, I’m a mix of both. I’m a driven mom who needs her baby to fit into her routine, and yet, I also cherish the moments when he can nurse whenever he wants. This question sparked a larger conflict in my philosophy of parenting. I wish I could be both, but is that even possible?

It seems like there’s no space for moms like me who embody both sides. The “mommy wars” often portray these two camps at odds with one another, as illustrated in a meme I saw on Facebook this morning. I can’t help but feel torn when faced with these polarized views.

On a typical Tuesday, I’m scrambling to prepare lunch for my older kids while Tommy is fussing in his bouncer. I scoop him up and pop him in the Baby Bjorn against my chest. He settles down, and I feel like I’m nailing this parenting thing.

But just a short while later, I realize I need to use the bathroom and my daughter needs help with her homework. Suddenly, I feel trapped with Tommy in the Bjorn. I carefully transfer him to the bed, but of course, he wakes up after just ten minutes.

The following day, trying to avoid the previous day’s frustrations, I put Tommy in his crib for his nap. As he cries from the other room, my anxiety spikes, and I find myself going in every few minutes to soothe him. Eventually, he falls asleep, and I feel that familiar sense of accomplishment.

But soon after, he’s awake again and in full meltdown mode. I can’t bear it any longer and scoop him up, letting my instincts take over. This mix of emotions is exhausting.

It’s the same with feeding. There are times when I prefer to track his last feeding to determine what his cries mean. When he’s on a schedule, I feel freer to run errands without worrying about when I’ll need to nurse him again.

But then, I’m reminded that he’s still a baby, and my heart aches when I accidentally bump his head while trying to juggle everything. I nurse him in the car, even if it’s not really time, and he smiles at me, melting my heart all over again.

I want to feel empowered and successful, but I always find myself in a tug-of-war between two sides. I love feeling him close while we nap together—until I want to have some intimate time with my partner.

I love knowing he’s safe in his crib—until I have to get up multiple times to soothe him when he cries. I love strolling through the neighborhood with him cooing away—until he cries and I’m left trying to juggle holding him and pushing an empty stroller.

Why can’t I be both? Why can’t I wear him one day and let him cry it out the next? Why not try a bottle once in a while so I can have a little freedom?

As I stood there contemplating the doctor’s question, I finally responded, “Sometimes it’s 50, sometimes it’s the recommended 8. Other times, it’s somewhere in between. I honestly don’t really know.” She smiled and said, “That’s alright. He’s thriving, and my main concern is you. How are you handling all of this?”

That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? What good do these parenting battles do us except leave us feeling defensive and confused? We should be able to embrace both sides, making decisions that work best for us and our babies.

I’m both, and you know what? I feel empowered. I feel successful. I’m doing what’s best for Tommy, and I know I’m not alone in this struggle.

If you want to dive deeper into related topics, check out this excellent resource on infertility and motherhood.

In summary, parenting often feels like an endless tug-of-war between different philosophies, especially when it comes to feeding and caregiving styles. It’s okay to blend approaches and find what works best for you and your baby. Embracing both sides of the parenting spectrum can lead to a more empowered and fulfilling experience.