As Seen On TV, But Not in My Home

Every time a wacky toy commercial plays while my kids are glued to the TV, chaos ensues. They scream for me to come and witness what they believe is the next greatest invention. I reluctantly pause whatever mom duties I’m in the middle of, only to be bombarded with requests that make Oliver Twist look like he was asking for a second helping.

Thanks to our TV, I already deal with this madness daily, but then, of course, they discovered that Walmart has a whole aisle dedicated to these ridiculous products. Now, instead of just picking up a laundry basket and some chicken, I’m hit with demands for things like SpongeBob Chia Pets. “As Seen on TV” has become my household’s personal tormentor.

Here are a few of my “favorite” items from the As Seen on TV lineup and why I’ll never bring them home.

Squishy Sand

This product claims it won’t stick to anything—hands or surfaces—making it “perfect” for indoor play. Yeah, right. I’ve battled the demon known as Moon Sand, which makes the same promise. Its granules will sneak into my carpet and harden like Play-Doh over time, and I’ve got enough mess to clean up as it is. Plus, my kids would probably end up experimenting to see if it hurts when it gets in each other’s eyes. No thanks.

Juggle Bubbles

This bubble solution is said to create bubbles that won’t pop, as long as you wear special gloves. So, essentially, I’d have to buy a pair for each kid to avoid bubble-popping wars. What happens when the bubbles hit something else? Do they burn skin? Smell like that awful chemical scent from plastic bubbles? My kids definitely need all their brain cells intact, thank you very much.

Party in the Tub Light

Bath time is already a circus in my house, and I’m not about to dim the lights for this gadget. Wet floor + dark bathroom = me slipping and falling. I’m not turning bath time into a late-night club scene. Sure, I know they’re naked, but I like to keep things family-friendly. The infomercial pitches it as a way to make kids enjoy washing up. Next thing you know, I’ll be curating a playlist for their “Party in the Shower.” Uh, no thank you… for them, anyway. It might just make a hilarious Valentine’s gift for my husband.

Hamper Hoops

How clever! The creators think a hamper designed like a basketball hoop will encourage my kids to actually toss their clothes in it. Nope! Clothes will still end up on the floor, and now I’ll have a new dumping ground for candy wrappers and other contraband. Plus, I can see the inevitable slam dunks leading to broken items and maybe even an urgent care visit for my little aspiring athlete. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Tummy Stuffers

These stuffed animals are marketed as a way for kids to clean their rooms by shoving everything into them. First off, they should be learning to put their things away, not cramming them into a toy. Second, not everything should go into the same plush bag! My youngest still wears Pull-Ups at night and has a habit of tossing them under her toddler bed instead of into the trash. Would you want a pee-soaked diaper stuffed in the same bag as their toys? No way. There’s no telling what other gross stuff my boys would shove in there, so hard pass.

The As Seen on TV marketers have turned my kids into relentless salespeople, and I feel like I’ve got a used car salesman following me around at all times. These commercials add fuel to my parental frustration, leading to purchases made out of sheer desperation. If I ever get to the point of ordering something from those ads, let’s hope it’s something actually useful, like a dance lessons DVD, and not a Tummy Stuffer.

For more tips on home insemination, check out our post on intracervical insemination. If you’re looking for authority on the subject, Make a Mom is a great resource too. And for all your questions regarding fertility insurance, UCSF is an excellent resource.

In summary, I’ll stick to my tried and true parenting methods and avoid the pitfalls of these ridiculous As Seen on TV products. My sanity—and my wallet—will thank me.