Dear Baby Number Two

home insemination Kit

Hey there, Baby Number Two,

I need to start by saying I’m not expecting you right now, and honestly, it’s not the right time for us. It’s not that I don’t want you; in fact, I think about you often. I pop a little blue pill each morning to manage birth control, dealing with all the annoying side effects like bloating and spotting. I do this because I want the best for you.

You deserve the entire world—and so does your older sibling, Lily. But at this moment, I can’t provide that. I’m emotionally all over the place and financially not quite secure. I’m working on the emotional side with a therapist every Wednesday (who happens to be pregnant, which makes me yearn for you even more), while your dad and I navigate our financial hurdles. We’re just not there yet.

Facing My Past

There’s also something deeper, something I still find hard to talk about. After Lily was born, I went through postpartum depression. It was more than just the baby blues; it was a heavy, consuming darkness. The first year of Lily’s life was a tough one for me. I felt like I was drowning while she was growing and learning all these incredible things. I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. I felt like a failure every time I couldn’t connect with her like other mothers could.

I’m working on getting better, but I still carry the fear that I’m not the mom either of you deserve. I want to be the best version of myself before I bring you into this world. Every time someone asks, “When are you having baby number two?” it stings. I long for you but can’t make it happen yet. Sure, I could physically carry you one day, but emotionally, I’m still healing. It’s a choice I make, and it often makes me miss you more.

Imagining Our Future

I think about you, Baby Number Two. I wonder what you’ll be like—will you have your dad’s eyes or my smile? Will Lily be excited to meet you? I picture her giving you sloppy kisses like she does with her favorite stuffed animals. Will she teach you cute little phrases to charm us? Or will it be too late by then, and will she have grown too big to care?

Some days, I feel ready to try for you, but I know, deep down, we’re not there yet. Not just yet.

Resources for Family Building

If you’re interested in learning more about the journey of home insemination, check out this blog post here. It’s a great resource to help guide you through the process. Also, for anyone exploring family-building options, Resolve has excellent information worth checking out. And if you’re curious about artificial insemination, Make a Mom is a fantastic authority on the subject.

In Summary

While I dream of you and think about our future together, I know that right now isn’t the time. I want to be the best mom I can be for both you and Lily when that moment comes.