How to Assemble Ikea Furniture in 35 Simple Steps

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You know, buying Ikea furniture is a bit like raising kids. No matter how many meltdowns it causes, we keep coming back for more. We convince ourselves that this time, we’ve got it all figured out and that it won’t lead to any serious arguments.

Here’s the ultimate guide to ensuring your next Ikea adventure goes a bit smoother (and helps keep your sanity intact): Wait until the kids are tucked in for the night, then kick off the project with enthusiasm—ready to finally check something off your list!

1. Skim through the instructions quickly.
2. If your partner asks if you know what you’re doing, roll your eyes and say, “Seriously? A toddler could manage this.”
3. Start with the easy part—fitting those dowel rods together.
4. Think smugly to yourself, “I’ll be done in 20 minutes and have time to binge-watch my favorite show.”
5. Fix the first nut in place and insert the bolt.
6. Attempt to turn that bolt with your fingernail. Repeat until your nail breaks.
7. Grab pliers to hold the nut (as instructed).
8. While holding the nut in place, use the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt.
9. Watch in dismay as the bolt drops to the floor.
10. Use your right foot to hold the pliers.
11. With one hand, guide the bolt into the hole while twisting the Allen wrench with the other.
12. Start contemplating whether you should just call a monkey for help.
13. Reluctantly ask for your partner’s assistance (because apparently, using your feet isn’t “proper” tool usage).
14. Observe as their “help” leads to the Allen wrench slipping and everything collapsing.
15. Briefly imagine a life of solitude.
16. Think, “Allen, wherever you are, I will track you down. And I will make you pay.”
17. Take a break to sip some wine and Google “who invented the Allen wrench.”
18. Discover that the inventor has passed on—so at least you don’t have to deal with him.
19. Curse his name and hope he’s stuck in purgatory assembling furniture for eternity.
20. Return to the assembly work.
21. Realize there’s no hole for the bolt in the last step.
22. Dig out a trusty hammer and nails because sometimes you just need to hit things.
23. Find out that if you tighten the bolts too much, the wood splinters. If you breathe too hard, it splinters. If a dog sneezes two blocks away, it splinters. But somehow, making a new hole feels impossible.
24. Exclaim, “Forget this!” and pour yourself another glass of wine while contemplating the potential for spontaneous combustion.
25. Resort to using power tools, even though the instructions warn against it.
26. If you lack power tools, make a quick trip to the store to grab some and more wine.
27. Pass the power tools to your partner, who is currently cursing the Ikea CEO and wishing for their eternal damnation.
28. Enjoy another glass of wine while you wait.
29. Watch as your partner finally drills the necessary hole and attempts to attach the last piece.
30. Discover that there was already a hole for the bolt and that the piece is mounted the wrong way.
31. Amuse yourself as your partner’s frustration reaches new heights, complete with laser beam stares and a voice reminiscent of a ghost.
32. Pour another glass of wine.
33. Head to bed vowing to never buy Ikea furniture again.
34. Wake up next month and buy more anyway.

And there you have it! The secret ingredient? wine. Cheers to future Ikea adventures!

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Summary

Assembling Ikea furniture is a hilarious, sometimes frustrating journey that often resembles parenting—full of challenges, wine, and the occasional need for power tools. Despite the chaos, we know we’ll keep coming back for more.