The Most Important Takeaway from 16 Years of Marriage

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Life has gotten pretty tangled over the years as my partner, Max, and I juggled home life, career changes, and raising kids. It’s not like I was in a battle, but I sometimes felt like a soldier navigating the muddy waters of communication and tackling mountains of discussions about chores and parenting. I thought I was crafting a foolproof plan to help Max understand me better, aiming to keep our bond strong through everything we faced together.

I was making progress—until I noticed a big flaw in my approach. I became overly fixated on what was right in front of me, losing sight of the bigger picture. As I poured my feelings into journals or wrote him letters detailing his shortcomings while emphasizing my own pain, I was looking down. While taking long walks to sort through my thoughts, I was still focused downward. And when I chose to give him the cold shoulder or acted passive-aggressively, guess what? Yep, I was looking down.

It’s so easy to get caught up in that downward gaze. We become so absorbed in our own little world that we forget to lift our heads and see the whole landscape. Sure, journaling and letter writing can be therapeutic, but my 16 years as Max’s wife taught me that a better starting point is to check in with myself and where my focus lies. Spoiler alert: I usually find it directed downwards.

This isn’t to say my feelings of anger or hurt aren’t valid. Max would readily admit he’s made mistakes over the years (and, yes, I have too). When I was a fresh-faced wife, I would silently stew, mentally compiling a list of “evidence” to justify my anger. I’d highlight all the ways he had been insensitive or selfish, all while focusing inward. Not surprisingly, this only escalated the tension.

Eventually, I would become so self-righteous that I couldn’t even eat dinner without blowing up. I often unleashed a torrent of hurtful words, mixed with tears. I said things I deeply regret—things I’ve asked for forgiveness for but can’t take back. Thankfully, I have a husband who has been willing to listen throughout those storms. After I calmed down, we could finally talk things through, but this was our pattern for far too long.

Fast forward to our 16-year anniversary, and things have shifted. Most of the time, when I feel that deep anger rising, my first instinct isn’t to lash out or build an argument against him. Now, I consciously remind myself to look up, both literally and metaphorically. I try to view the situation from a fresh angle, ready to own up to my own actions—or lack thereof. I might still be fuming and have a solid case against him, but I’ve learned that articulating my feelings is way more effective when I have a broader perspective.

Every day, I strive to look up. I’m not saying it’s made our lives perfect or our communication flawless, but it has certainly smoothed our path and lessened the pain in our conversations. It’s shifted my focus from needing to be right to actually solving problems. Most importantly, it helps me keep my eye on the man I fell in love with, who is still right here in front of me.

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In summary, my marriage journey has taught me the importance of perspective and communication. By shifting my focus from my grievances to understanding the bigger picture, I’ve been able to foster a healthier relationship with Max, allowing us to navigate our challenges together.