Navigating Meltdowns with Compassion

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A while back, I found myself recounting a particularly intense meltdown of my daughter’s to my therapist. As I described the chaos, she gently suggested, “Focus on compassion during her meltdowns.” Honestly, I was taken aback. My daughter has autism, and there are days—like the one I was discussing—when it feels nearly impossible to muster any compassion while trying to keep my cool. Her meltdowns are not just minor tantrums; they are full-on rollercoaster rides of screaming, hitting, and kicking, and right after, she needs me to be there for her, hugging and comforting her. How do I do that? By detaching myself from the emotional storm.

But as time passed, I kept reflecting on my therapist’s advice. Was it wrong to detach like this? After the storm has passed, should I be focusing more on compassion instead of just venting my frustrations? And really, what does compassion look like in the middle of a meltdown?

Reflections on Compassion

After some serious thought, I’ve reached a few conclusions:

1. Therapists without kids probably shouldn’t give parenting advice,
2. Those without experience with autism should definitely avoid giving specific guidance on it, and
3. I’m just not here for that kind of pressure.

While the idea of “focusing on compassion” sounds great, there are moments when it’s just not practical—like when I’m at my wit’s end trying to survive a meltdown. Sure, later on, it might help to refocus on my child’s experience, but it’s equally important to acknowledge my own feelings. Ignoring my frustrations and focusing solely on my child isn’t healthy. Parenting is all about finding a balance between our needs and our children’s. When I allow myself to feel my own emotions—be it frustration or sadness—I can process and let go of them, ultimately making me a happier and more effective parent.

Acting with Compassion

I really believe in compassion, and I try to weave it into my parenting when I can. However, I’ve realized that it’s possible to act compassionately without always feeling that way. During those intense moments, I may grit my teeth and ride out the storm, but I still show compassion when I greet my daughter with open arms once it’s over. No matter how I feel inside, what matters most is how I respond, and that’s a lesson I want my kids to learn.

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Conclusion

In summary, navigating the emotional landscape of parenting an autistic child can be overwhelming, and it’s okay not to always feel compassion. What matters is how we choose to respond in those challenging moments.