Sleep: The Hidden Currency in Marriage

home insemination Kit

Updated: Sep. 25, 2019
Originally Published: Sep. 3, 2015

I was caught in the act—napping at 2 p.m. on a Saturday when I should have been folding laundry. My partner, Lisa, walked in and exclaimed, “What are you doing? Why do you get a nap?”

“I’m not napping,” I mumbled into the pillow. “I just kind of… collapsed. Then I realized how cozy the bed was.”

Lisa didn’t find it funny. “I want a nap,” she replied.

“Then go ahead,” I said, my voice muffled.

“We don’t have time to nap,” she retorted, stressing the “we.” “We have to get to Max’s soccer game in 20 minutes, and then we need to pick up dirt for the backyard before the nursery closes.”

With that, she stormed out, and I was hit with a wave of guilt. We have three kids under nine, and getting them all to sleep for more than five hours feels as likely as winning the lottery.

One of them always needs water at 10 p.m., and by midnight, another wakes up screaming from a nightmare. Then there’s little Lily, our one-year-old, who seems to think sleep is overrated. She fusses late into the night and wakes up at the crack of dawn.

I rely on caffeine more than I’d like to admit. Our lives are chaotic. I work full-time, while Lisa juggles staying at home and taking night classes. The house is always falling apart, and the kids are involved in sports and scouts—weekends vanish in a whirl of activities. Naps? They’re a rare luxury.

This constant sleep deprivation has led to tension and jealousy between us. Sleep has turned into a bargaining chip, something we negotiate like it’s a commodity. If you asked Lisa what she wants for her birthday, she’d say sleep. I’d answer the same.

Sure, we could ignore everything and just sleep, but that’s not realistic. Parenting doesn’t give you a break—kids are always demanding, needing, or creating messes. Plus, our eldest is old enough to stay home, but I’m not ready to let him babysit his younger siblings.

Naps usually require one of us to wrangle the kids while the other sneaks in some shut-eye. That can make the awake parent feel like they’re sacrificing while the other gets a mini-vacation. Unless, of course, there’s a deal.

The weekend before I got caught napping, I was in the yard pulling weeds when Lisa approached me, explaining how rough her night had been with Lily. “If you let me take a nap, we can… you know,” she said, winking.

We haggled a bit over the details, eventually agreeing that the trade would happen after the kids were in bed. When I offered her a chance to nap, I felt good about it. But when Lisa found me napping without a deal in place, she got understandably upset. If the roles were reversed, I’d feel the same way.

It’s sad how we’ve turned sleep into a transactional experience. I felt like I’d committed a crime just by enjoying some rest. I wandered into the kitchen where Lisa was tackling the dishes.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “What do you want?”

Lisa looked at me, adjusting her glasses. “What do I want? You know what I want. I want to take a nap. I want some sleep.”

“It’s been a long week,” I replied. “I worked two 14-hour days along with my regular hours.”

“When you work 14 hours,” she shot back, “I do too. I don’t get a break until you come home.”

Her words hit home. Parenting can feel never-ending. I love my kids to pieces, but the demands can be overwhelming. Since we don’t have family nearby, we rely on each other to give the other a break when we can.

“Okay,” I conceded. “Let’s figure something out.”

We ended up negotiating: Lisa would nap while I took all three kids to the soccer game. When I returned, I could crash while she took the kids to the store. It wasn’t perfect—taking three kids to a game seemed daunting, and I knew she felt the same about the store run. But the promise of a nap made it worth it.

In the end, we shook hands. “It’s been nice doing business with you,” she said with a smirk.

“Likewise,” I replied.

In the world of parenting, sleep truly is a valuable currency.

If you’re curious about exploring more about parenting and home insemination, check out some of our other posts, like this one on genetics and IVF, which you can find here. For those looking into artificial insemination options, you might find useful information at this resource.

Summary:

In a humorous reflection on parenting, Jamie shares the struggles of balancing sleep between partners and how it has evolved into a bargaining chip in their marriage. Juggling three kids and their chaotic schedules, Jamie and Lisa come to realize the importance of negotiating time for rest amidst their hectic lives, ultimately highlighting that sleep is an essential but often overlooked currency in marriage.