I Dare You to Ask Me What Moms Really Do All Day

home insemination Kit

By: Jamie Collins

Updated: July 2, 2020

Originally Published: September 3, 2015

As my loving husband walked through the door and surveyed the scene—me, the kids, and the house—he looked a bit taken aback. We were definitely more chaotic than usual.

With wide eyes and a hint of disbelief, he asked, “Wow, honey. What happened here? What did you do today?”

Ah, bless his heart for caring enough to ask. But, oh boy, did I have a lot to share. So, I told him:

You’re right, dear. Honestly, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it myself. I think my mind and body are in shock from the nine hours since you left for work. Ha! Who am I kidding? It’s probably from the last eight years of this wild ride we call parenting, and we’re hanging on by a mere thread.

Where do I even begin? Should I start from the beginning or dive into the most chaotic moments? Chronological order might make sense, but maybe I should just recount the disaster of the day in reverse order, praying I didn’t lose my cool with the kids before you got home.

While I was busy unclogging the toilet—thanks to our daughter’s impressive feat of stuffing it with a mountain of toilet paper—I heard a strangled noise coming from the playroom. No worries; it was just a balloon that got caught in the fan again. I’ll attempt to untangle it as soon as I can grab a stool, though the kids think it’s hilarious to turn the fan back on while I’m at it.

As I was preparing mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, our son decided that opening a new bag of Goldfish was a great idea. By “opening,” I mean an explosion of fish crackers all over the den. In the midst of scooping those up with a broom, the mac and cheese boiled over, and thank goodness, the baby was only gnawing on my phone charger on the other side of the kitchen. Phew! At least she didn’t get burned by the boiling water—though chewing on an electric cord isn’t exactly safe either.

Just as I was about to serve lunch, the kids decided to toss all my neatly folded sheets and towels all over the floor, which was already covered in dog hair and remnants from my lice-picking session with the girls. So, instead of four loads of laundry left today, I’m looking at seven or eight, as I’ll need to wash everything again after just cleaning it for the fifth time this week.

Speaking of the girls’ hair, I spent the morning picking out about 50 nits. Maybe if the baby takes a nap—or if I can sneak away during my “pee break” later—I can tackle the rest. Not that I really needed to pee anyway; I might try to sneak off to the bathroom during dinnertime while they devour their food as if they haven’t eaten in days.

On the topic of food, I’ve swept the floors three times today. But you wouldn’t know it, because they’re still sticky with crushed Nutri-Grain bars and scattered Cheerios from breakfast that the baby decided to throw at me instead of eat.

I thought I’d take a moment to get dressed while the baby was throwing Cheerios around, and for a brief moment, I felt accomplished. But then, right after I picked her up from her high chair, she had a little accident that left me in a bit of a mess.

Seriously, forget about showers or trying to look presentable. I’ll be lucky if I resemble a normal person again in four years.

I managed to get our son to kindergarten camp with just seconds to spare, and the girls and I dashed to the store for some essentials that have been on the list for days. Halfway through, I realized one daughter was only in her underwear and the other had no shoes on. Who needs clothes, right? Why do we even bother buying them?

As I continued my day, my vision started to blur, and my headache worsened. No one napped, the dog escaped, and while trying to untangle the balloon from the fan, the baby crawled out of her walker and attempted to climb the stairs. Spoiler alert: she took a tumble.

Don’t worry, though. I got her a nice ice pack for her little bump, but then two kids decided to sneak outside with shampoo and play “let’s squirt as much as we can on each other.” Adorable, right?

Despite my culinary skills being questionable at best, I bravely attempted to cook dinner. I put some chicken in the oven, but something at the bottom started burning and filled the house with smoke, triggering the alarms and sending the kids into a panic while our neighbor rushed over to check on us—because, of course, I was just in my bra and underwear at that moment. After changing out of the baby’s mess, I figured if the kids aren’t wearing clothes, why should I?

So, what did I do today? (Cue the laughter and tears rolling down my face.)

Oh honey, I dare you to ask me again. Just one more time!

If you’re interested in more insights about parenting and home insemination, check out this post on intracervical insemination for more tips. Also, for those looking to boost their fertility, Make a Mom has some excellent resources. And for pregnancy-related info, visit the CDC for trustworthy guidance.

In summary, being a mom is a wild, unpredictable adventure filled with chaos, laughter, and a lot of love. Every day brings new challenges, and while things may get messy, the joy of motherhood is worth every moment.