For four years, I immersed myself in the study of relationships. I’ve read the latest research on what makes a partnership thrive and how to mend one when it’s on shaky ground. I devoured books, attended seminars, watched videos—basically, I absorbed more than my brain could handle about healthy relationships, family dynamics, and marriage. I could analyze a family’s interactions in minutes and pinpoint their backgrounds and parenting styles. I understand relationships, families, and marriages. Yet, applying that knowledge to my own life? That’s where I struggle.
This morning, as I reflected on a fantastic kid-free trip my partner and I took in January—our “graduaversary” getaway—I remembered how amazing it was, filled with adventure and relaxation. But instead of reminiscing about the incredible volcano hikes or the thrilling zip line rides, my mind wandered to a solitary walk on the beach. During that walk, I convinced myself that leaving my family behind and starting anew in Costa Rica sounded like a dream.
The day didn’t begin with that walk. It started with a frosty “good morning” and a quiet breakfast. My partner, Jake, usually a pleasant morning companion, seemed off. He was tense, snapped at me, and barely spoke. Instead of trusting my instincts and asking him what was wrong, I ignored his sour mood and went about my day. This led to three major mistakes that day:
Mistake #1: Turning Away Instead of Toward Him.
I missed an opportunity to foster open communication that could have drawn us closer. Instead, I distanced myself emotionally, opting to sulk by the pool, lost in my book, while ignoring the tension between us. When I finally tried to make small talk, he brushed me off. Frustrated, I felt sorry for myself, thinking, “How dare he spoil my day?” After asking him to grab me a drink—something I thought was a reasonable request—he exploded. I felt worthless and, in response, anger surged within me.
Mistake #2: Misusing Emotional Insight.
I recognized that Jake was struggling emotionally, yet instead of extending a hand, I let my resentment grow. I recalled past moments where he had made me feel undervalued, allowing those thoughts to overshadow his needs. I convinced myself that my feelings were more important than any pain he was experiencing. I waited over an hour to confront him, thinking that surely he would apologize first.
Mistake #3: Expecting Reconnection Instead of Offering It.
When I returned to our room, Jake was watching golf, and I expected him to apologize. I refused to take responsibility for my part. Instead of saying something empathetic, I sarcastically remarked on how he was wasting our trip. I was annoyed that my offer for him to join me wasn’t appealing enough for him. And that’s when I took my fateful beach walk.
As I strolled, I fantasized about a life free from responsibilities—no marriage, no kids, just me doing whatever I pleased. But soon enough, I realized Jake was hurting. He needed me, and instead of being supportive, I had turned my back. I fought the urge to return to my daydream of singlehood, focusing instead on the love I had for him.
I wish I could say that since that day, we’ve been conflict-free and I’ve been the perfect partner. But that’s not reality. After eight years together, we argue less, keep our tempers in check, and apologize faster. Yet, we still face challenges. We can be selfish, get angry easily, and yes, we sometimes yell. But we keep showing up for each other, practicing forgiveness, grace, and understanding.
Every day is a chance to learn and grow from my marriage. I work on turning toward Jake instead of away from him, becoming more aware of his needs, and focusing on giving rather than receiving. Most importantly, I continue to fight for our relationship, even during tough times, because we are worth it.
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