19 Surefire Ways to Bomb Your Job Interview

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So, your kids are growing up and starting to fly the nest, leaving you with some much-needed free time. You’ve accumulated a wealth of experience and knowledge over the years, and your friends and family keep nudging you to jump back into the workforce. Before you know it, you’ve polished up a four-page resume, splurged on a stylish beige pantsuit, and even secured your first job interview in ages.

But here’s the kicker: deep down, you’re not exactly thrilled about rejoining the 9-to-5 grind. You’d much rather stay home, finish that novel you’ve been meaning to write (or maybe just start it), and enjoy cookies without the risk of crumbs in the bathroom sink. You don’t care about being the mom who’s seen as unambitious; you just want an easy way out of this interview. Here’s how to guarantee you won’t land that job:

1. Assume your interviewer is a young single guy, because that’s the stereotype, right? Make it clear you’d struggle to take orders from a woman.
2. When asked if you need anything, respond with, “Sure, an iced cappuccino sounds delightful!”
3. Call your interviewer “Sir,” and leave him guessing if you’re being cheeky.
4. Use outdated terms like typewriter, word processor, and film in conversation.
5. When asked about your strengths and weaknesses, simply say, “Lasagna.”
6. Mention you’re a PTA mom but clarify that you’re not the one who has a profile on Ashley Madison—then wink.
7. Present a lengthy list of dates you’ll need off to follow the band Phish on tour.
8. Ask if your interviewer would like to buy pizza kits for your son’s baseball fundraiser.
9. While you don’t speak any foreign languages, let him know you can mimic several accents.
10. Include “hosting a candle party” as part of your sales experience.
11. Make it known you’d accept a company car—as long as it’s not a clunker that would ruin your image.
12. Boast about earning your bachelorette’s degree from a “very credited” university.
13. Politely request that the vending machines carry gluten-free snacks for your intolerance.
14. Create whimsical job titles for your resume, like CEO: Chief of Edible Organics and CPA: Car-Pools Anonymous.
15. Agree to a pre-hire drug test, then start nervously biting your nails.
16. Drop something under the desk and don’t retrieve it. When your interviewer goes for it, pop your head down and say, “What a coincidence!”
17. Wink at your interviewer frequently, but try not to look too twitchy.
18. If he brings up dress code, burst into tears for extra drama.
19. Finally, agree to the company’s social media policy, then send him a friend request from the parking lot!

If the company is truly desperate and still offers you the job, there’s always the option of pretending you’re pregnant.

If you’re curious about home insemination options, check out this helpful guide on artificial insemination kits at Make A Mom. For more on pregnancy processes, Parents has some great insights.

So there you have it—a foolproof plan to ensure you don’t get that job you’re not really looking for!