The Lice Chronicles: A Mom’s Wild Ride

home insemination Kit

So, picture this: the night before school kicks off again, I discover that my daughters have been hosting a lice party in their beautiful, long blonde locks. Not just a couple of nits—nope, we’re talking full-on, brown bugs running rampant! Cue the freak-out mode.

“OH MY GOSH, WE HAVE LICE! HOP IN THE CAR! WE’RE GOING TO THE STORE! WAIT! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!”

Fast forward through my mad dash to the pharmacy with four boxes of Nix in hand, and I’m back at home—now a war zone of lice instead of my cozy sanctuary. Lice. Lurking. Waiting to invade our heads and lay eggs like it’s a casual Saturday. Ugh!

Now, to share the level of panic gripping my neat-freak, type-A self: while I was smothering the girls’ hair in Nix and yelling, “STAY AWAY FROM EVERYTHING!!,” I was simultaneously dictating a frantic text to my buddy Sarah about this lice catastrophe. Bless her heart, she responded with encouraging words like, “You’ve got this!” and “At least they’re not sick!” But when her text therapy didn’t help calm my almost-hyperventilating state, she sprung into action.

With stealth mode engaged, Sarah swooped into my neighborhood, left her car running in my driveway, rang the doorbell, and took off. I opened the door, looking pale and suspicious, to find a note, a big bottle of wine, and a bag of chocolates. She knew I was hanging on by a thread.

The thing about lice is that when you think you’ve tackled them on your own—oh, they’re just laughing at you. I swear I heard them mocking me, saying, “You found a few nits? Ha! I’m hiding millions more!” And just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, they change the color of their nits! One minute they’re white, then bam—brown!

And let me tell you, these bugs are disgusting. The full-grown ones are so gross that you start to resent your own kids’ heads, which just two days ago you adored. I even contemplated shaving their gorgeous blonde hair but quickly dismissed that thought, realizing they’d probably hate me forever and end up in a gang or something. So, I soldiered on with the Nix.

Three days in, after realizing those four boxes of Nix weren’t doing squat, panic really set in. I started pouring olive oil all over their hair, thinking it might do the trick. Who knew lice were such resilient little devils? I made them sit on towels on the hardwood floor to watch TV while I cleaned and cried—crying and cleaning, cleaning and crying.

At this point, my girls had missed four days of school, and I’d lost four days of work. I was ready to file for divorce from my husband, who looked relieved every time he left for work. My daily routine looked something like this: wake up, face the lice, contemplate shaving heads, and wonder if it was too early for wine.

This relentless cycle continued until a miracle happened: a friend told me about a secret place nearby that specializes in lice removal! It costs around $200 a head but they guarantee results. Why didn’t I hear about this sooner?

So, I call this magical lice removal place, and a friendly voice on the other end assures me to come right away. I rush the girls to “The Lice Warriors,” and after two hours, I’m told I’m a lice-fighting champ! My nit-picking skills are praised, and they charge me just $20 for the head check. I walked out feeling victorious, as if I had just won a battle.

Lice are no joke—they’re gross and can wreak havoc on your sanity and your marriage (just kidding!). So, if a friend’s family is facing a lice crisis, be a good friend: bring them some wine and chocolate. Actually, just the wine is a solid plan.

For more tips and tricks on home insemination and pregnancy, check out resources like this one or this to stay informed.

In summary, lice are a real hassle, but with a little help and some patience, you can conquer them. Just remember: when in doubt, reach out for some wine and a professional!