The Overstuffed Underwear Drawer of a Nearly 40-Year-Old

home insemination Kit

For months, I’ve been putting off the inevitable. My underwear drawer has spiraled into chaos, verging on disgraceful, and I’m embarrassed by a solid 80% of what’s lurking in there. Today was the day I decided enough was enough. It was time to face the beast and whip my intimates into shape.

As I approached my closet, a wave of dread washed over me. I hesitated, finding distractions in the form of straightening denim stacks, folding T-shirts, and cramming old purses onto the top shelf—purses I would never touch again but kept just in case I’d have a sudden change of heart. I even created a Goodwill pile from items that had languished in there for three years, items I swore I’d wear again someday. That’s when it hit me like a freight train: Am I a hoarder?! But I pushed that thought aside, knowing I had bigger fish to fry.

Finally, the moment arrived. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and opened that drawer. A nauseating blend of lavender, gardenia, and lime assaulted my senses—those potpourri bags were seriously testing my determination. But no, I steeled myself. I was going to do this.

Holding my breath, I dove in, tossing the jumbled mess of women’s wear onto the floor. Take that, granny panties! Adios, nursing bra! I was channeling my inner Gandalf, declaring, “You shall not pass!” back into the depths of my underwear drawer.

Here’s what I uncovered:

• 5 pairs of my husband’s old boxers
• 3 pairs of women’s sleep shorts
• 7 pairs of post-pregnancy underwear, three with holes and strings hanging off
• 9 pre-pregnancy thongs (because, well, hemorrhoids)
• 7 bras, four of which were over 7 years old
• 1 nursing bra (considering my youngest is 5 and we’re done)
• 1 lavender sachet
• 1 gardenia sachet
• 2 lily of the valley potpourri bags from a decade ago that still have scent (What’s in those things?)
• 1 baggie containing 5 baby teeth the tooth fairy supposedly took
• 3 notes from my 7-year-old to the garden fairies, now vanished
• Dog hair
• A dead moth
• Miscellaneous receipts from 2010
• Various discarded price tags
• 1 pair of underwear that doesn’t belong to anyone I know

Before I could second-guess myself, I swiftly gathered the obvious culprits I wouldn’t miss. Ciao, men’s boxers; adios, old tattered bras; farewell, hemorrhoid-chafing thongs; and goodbye, granny panties! You served me well, and I regret not tossing you sooner. BOOYAH! Progress was made, and I was feeling pumped.

With a newfound lightness, I decided it was time to organize. I grabbed an old shoe box that once housed my Crocs (don’t judge), tore the top off, and began sorting. Inside went three rarely worn but pretty bras, one pair of granny panties (just in case), two thongs (just in case), the sachets, the baby teeth, and the fairy notes. The remainder of the drawer transformed into a spacious oasis, free from clutter, like a pristine landscape untouched by city life or IKEA. I dust-busted like a champ; aside from the moth causing a brief hiccup, I emerged victorious and empowered.

Now, my four remaining bras and three pairs of lady boxers bask in their tidy new home. It felt like a fairy godmother had come in and redecorated while I was on vacation. After all that hard work, I was ready for a shower; the anxiety sweat had me smelling like chicken noodle soup and onion rings.

Reflecting on this experience, I feel ready to offer advice to fellow underwear hoarders out there. Don’t be afraid! Those holey panties? Send them to a time capsule. Misshapen bras with lazy elastic? Burn those bad boys immediately. And men’s boxers? You should feel ashamed—send those to the grave with the old undies. You can do this!

Cleaning out your underwear drawer is like giving a goldfish a proper send-off. It’s not something you want to do, it’s a bit sad (but not really), yet it symbolizes freedom. Ladies, do the right thing! Your body deserves better than moth-eaten intimates. Your chest should be adorned with soft, supportive bras that don’t slip off your shoulders 17 times a day. Take pride in your undergarments and reclaim your power. Your privates will thank you, and so will you.

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In summary, tackling your underwear drawer can be a liberating experience. It’s all about letting go of the past and making room for better choices that truly reflect who you are now.