My Son Struggles with Self-Harm Daily, and It Breaks My Heart

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It pains me to share that my sweet, kind-hearted 7-year-old son engages in self-harm.

I never imagined I would write those words—“self-harm” and “7-year-old son” together. When I think of self-harm, I picture older teens battling their inner demons, hiding their struggles from everyone around them. But when Jude self-harms, it’s a loud and clear event that echoes through our home.

This is part of Jude’s reality. It’s how he navigates life with the overwhelming sensory experiences that come with autism. Jude received his autism diagnosis when he was just 18 months old. At that time, I was a blank slate about what autism truly meant—my knowledge was limited to what I had seen in films. Fast forward five years, and autism is now a constant presence in my thoughts.

Jude began displaying self-harming behaviors around age two. He would go from being utterly joyful to crying and dropping to his knees, bouncing on them while sobbing. At the time, we didn’t understand these moments fully; we were still figuring out the complexities of autism. As Jude is nonverbal, we initially thought these outbursts were typical tantrums fueled by frustration over communication.

Over time, his behaviors escalated, and we came to learn about “meltdowns.” Unlike tantrums, which are often motivated by a desire for attention or an object, meltdowns stem from sensory overload, leaving him confused and frightened. They can be challenging to identify and can take a significant amount of time to resolve.

Jude’s responses evolved from bouncing on his knees to foot stomping and jumping from furniture to his knees. Eventually, he began using his hands for self-harm—slapping his arms and legs until they were raw, then moving on to hitting walls or furniture. The worst moment came when he started slapping his face. Watching him do this is gut-wrenching.

Consider what it would take to repeatedly slap yourself in the face, again and again. It’s almost impossible to imagine doing it without a mental barrier stopping you. Jude, however, seems to lack that filter. Tears stream down his cheeks, but he continues, alternating between his face and head, even punching himself sometimes.

About two years ago, the intensity and frequency of these meltdowns increased dramatically. For a stretch, he would experience meltdowns lasting up to eight hours daily. They could occur at any time, even in the middle of the night, causing him to wake and start slapping himself.

It’s as if two distinct personalities coexist within him—one who is sweet and gentle, and another who transforms into someone self-destructive during a meltdown. After these episodes, he often appears unaffected, smiling and returning to his normal activities, only for the cycle to begin again.

We have tried everything imaginable. We adjusted his diet and sought medical evaluations to uncover any underlying issues. We attempted to pinpoint triggers and prevent meltdowns, distract him with his favorite activities, and pursued various therapies. We even found that taking him for drives while listening to music helped calm him down during a meltdown. I would scoop him up and drive for hours, even at odd hours, just to provide him some peace.

I’ve felt anger, frustration, and helplessness. I’ve shouted, cried, and pleaded with him to stop. At times, I’ve even wished he would direct his anger towards me instead of himself.

Fortunately, things have begun to improve over the past year. Now, he typically experiences only three or four meltdowns each day, and on better days, they last just a few minutes. I’ve learned to stay calm during these episodes and work to identify potential stressors that may be overwhelming him. Even when he has a meltdown, I remind myself that it will pass and he will be alright.

Yet, if I’m honest, every time he goes through this, my heart aches just a little more.

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In summary, life with a child who self-harms is incredibly challenging. While I’ve learned to manage these moments better, the emotional toll is undeniable.