I Miss My Kids—And I’m Okay With It

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I woke up way too early today, feeling that familiar tightness in my chest. Even with the peaceful morning around me, I sensed something was off. It’s that nagging feeling in my mind that keeps me awake, even though I could easily drift off again if I wanted to. The reason? My 8-year-old isn’t going to sneak into my bed and steal my covers like he usually does around 6 a.m. And his older sister isn’t going to try to convince me to lift my ban on screens first thing in the morning. Normally, these little things annoy me, especially before I’ve had my coffee. But today, I felt an uncomfortable awareness of their absence since they’ve been staying with their dad for the last few nights.

I miss my kids. And oddly enough, I’m somewhat happy about that.

When my ex and I decided to part ways, we didn’t waste time negotiating custody. We had agreed long before we even had kids that we would share parenting equally if it ever came to that. Back in the days when we were sleep-deprived with an infant and a toddler, we even joked about adding a clause to our 50-50 agreement: “If one of us leaves, that person has to take the kids.”

As we separated, our plan became reality. We both craved our time with the kids but also welcomed the breaks from parenting. We wanted those cozy mornings and family dinners, but we also wanted the freedom to enjoy a lazy night with cheese and crackers in front of the TV. It seemed fair for each of us to have the kids half the time.

Yet deep down, I worried. Not that I wouldn’t miss them, but that I might resent their return. I was concerned about enjoying my alone time too much, that I would get used to the quiet and freedom, and that the stresses that contributed to our split would make me feel less inclined to be a parent. I feared I would be that selfish mother who didn’t want her children around half the time, let alone all the time.

In reality, I probably shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. The whole separation process can be chaotic, even when it’s not a complete disaster. The months surrounding our split were some of the most stressful I’ve ever faced. We were trying to co-parent while still sharing the same space. As we transitioned, it felt like living in a constant state of discomfort. I was often crashing at friends’ places, which provided a sense of relief from the chaos but came with its own set of challenges. As one of my friends said, “You might have places to stay, but right now, you don’t have a home.”

During that time, the kids were just as demanding as they usually are (which is to say, pretty demanding). With my emotional resources stretched thin, it made sense that parenting felt overwhelming. My alone time became a precious commodity, even if it also made me feel distant from my family.

Eventually, my ex found a place, and we split our belongings. The day he moved out, I felt a mix of relief and anxiety, like I could finally breathe again. The kids began to transition between the two homes. When they were with me, I found I was calmer and happier to see them. And when they left, I missed them—not in an intense way, but with a gentle pang when I realized they’d be at the “new” house for a few days. It’s a strange feeling not knowing what they’re having for dinner or what their plans are when it’s not my turn to have them. By day four without them, I start feeling antsy.

So when I first felt that twinge of missing them, I surprisingly felt relieved. I wasn’t a terrible mother; I was a person recovering from a tough year and a parent who loves her kids deeply. I miss them when they’re away, but at least I know they’ll come back. And given the challenges of separation, I can’t ask for much more than that.

When the kids aren’t with me, I keep busy. Some nights, dinner consists of cheese and crackers with a glass of wine while binge-watching my favorite shows. I work, socialize, exercise, and even contemplate dating. I can enjoy my time alone while still missing my children, and honestly, I’m happy about that.

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In summary, navigating life as a co-parent can feel complex. While I miss my kids when they’re away, I’ve found comfort in understanding that it’s okay to enjoy my alone time. I’m a loving parent who is committed to creating a stable environment for my kids, and the fact that they always come back makes it all worthwhile.