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To Save My Marriage, I Had to Stop Trying
I have to admit, I trace a lot of my relationship beliefs back to my parents. Their divorce led me to think that if I worked hard enough, I could make marriage succeed. Growing up, I witnessed their endless cycle of trying: apologies followed by second chances, arguments that escalated and then fizzled out into romantic gestures, like surprise dates and heartfelt talks about “the effort it takes to maintain a marriage.” It seemed like they were always in a loop, and I never imagined it would end… but it did.
Seeing how hard they tried only made me more determined to make my own marriage work. For years, I threw myself into being the perfect wife. I cooked, cleaned, and even packed my husband’s lunches with little notes that said things like, “Thanks for working so hard for us.” Sweet, right? But that also meant I put all the pressure on myself.
At first, it kind of worked. I’d have dinner ready when he came home, and I planned date nights at home with handwritten invitations. He would tell me how much he appreciated my efforts, which just fueled my desire to go above and beyond. But then, we had a baby, and everything changed. Suddenly, being a “perfect” wife felt impossible. My husband would come home to a house filled with dirty diapers, a wife who looked exhausted, and a baby who only wanted me when she was upset. I felt like I was failing at both being a wife and a mother, yet I didn’t know how to step up my game beyond what I was already doing.
It all came to a head during one of our many arguments. Like many couples, we couldn’t even remember what sparked it, but at one point, I was shouting that I was doing everything I could to keep our marriage afloat, and it just didn’t seem like enough. I asked him what else he wanted: better meals? A tidier house? More intimacy? But his answer shocked me—he wanted me to stop trying so hard. In my quest for perfection, I was pushing him away instead of drawing him closer. I was so busy trying to control everything that I didn’t leave room for us to just enjoy each other.
Now, things aren’t perfect, but they’re definitely better. I still slip little notes into his lunch, but I’ve learned to let him pack his own if I’m swamped. If I want to catch one more episode of a show, I’ll leave the dishes for later. By letting go of the need to control every little detail, I’ve rediscovered the love I had for the man I married nearly ten years ago—the one who appreciates me for who I am, not for what I do or don’t do.
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In summary, I learned that the key to a healthy marriage isn’t about trying to be perfect. It’s about embracing each other’s imperfections and enjoying the journey together. Sometimes, less is more, and letting go can lead to a stronger bond.