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The Value of Failure in Parenting
In her enlightening book, The Gift of Failure, educator and mother Jessica Miller shares a powerful realization: after years in the classroom and as a parent, she discovered that many of us, despite our best intentions, have raised a generation of children who dread failure. This fear, she argues, actually obstructs their journey toward success.
Our role as parents is to foster skills like competence, independence, and intrinsic motivation in our children. Yet, Miller points out, we often do the opposite. We inadvertently create dependency by smoothing their path and assuming there’s ample time to teach them life skills before they reach adulthood.
It feels good to help our kids, and we often find ourselves wanting to do things for them, even when a little voice in our heads warns us it might not be the best approach. For instance, I once mounted a dry-erase board above my son’s desk, hoping he would jot down his assignments to stay organized. While my intention was to promote responsibility, I found myself constantly reminding him to update it. When he went off to college, my reminders vanished, and admittedly, he faced challenges in managing his deadlines.
Realizing that my well-meaning efforts were hindering my kids’ growth, Miller and her husband decided to make a change. They resolved to stop rescuing their children from mistakes and instead encourage them to take on age-appropriate responsibilities. The goal? To trade the temporary satisfaction of helping for the long-term benefit of raising competent, independent learners.
One day, her younger son forgot an important homework assignment at home. Although it would have been easy for her to take it to him since she was visiting the school, she resisted the urge. Miller shared her struggles with her followers on social media, expressing how challenging this new parenting approach was. One follower challenged her, questioning whether she should really let her son face the consequences of his oversight.
Miller thoughtfully responded, reminding herself—and her dissenters—that we aren’t raising our spouses. Helping a partner is one thing, but swooping in to rescue children sends a message of incompetence and dependency, which ultimately denies them the essential lessons of self-sufficiency.
I can’t claim that Miller’s approach is easy, or that my own attempts have been flawless. In fact, the son I once rushed to help with forgotten items has now called me from college, asking when I’ll come to visit because he left some things back home. It’s clear that even as they inch toward independence, I still grapple with the lessons of letting them learn from their own mistakes.
Miller’s insights serve as a wake-up call for parents: our duty is not to ensure our children’s immediate happiness or success, but to prepare them to thrive as independent adults in the future. It’s a challenging yet necessary journey that many of us are navigating.
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In summary, embracing failure as a vital part of growth can reshape our parenting journey, leading us to nurture resilient and capable adults.