I Need to Explain to My Kids That Mommy and Daddy Were Once Married to Other People

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When I reflect on my teenage years and imagine my parents revealing that they had both been married to others before finding each other, I can’t help but feel a flutter of anxiety. Thankfully, I never had to learn this information by accident. My parents are still happily together after over 40 years, often holding hands like newlyweds. However, this scenario has lingered in my thoughts because I know I’ll need to have a similar conversation with my own kids someday to prevent it from becoming an unnecessary family secret.

I married at 29, but that marriage ended just three years later. My current husband, Jake, was in a similarly short-lived marriage. Thankfully, neither of us had children in those previous unions, and while the breakups felt devastating at the time, they were relatively amicable. People often comforted me by saying, “At least you didn’t have kids,” which, let me tell you, is not something you want to hear when you’re going through a divorce—give it some time before offering that kind of consolation!

While all our friends were busy tying the knot and having babies, Jake and I were navigating mediations and worrying about real estate purchases that had lost their charm without a partner to share the load. I often joked that my dating profile would read SWD (single with dog). My dog, Max, became my constant companion, and we both experienced separation anxiety—though I had no “ThunderShirt” to help with mine.

I worried about how I would explain my divorce to a date at 32. Would he assume my house was filled with cats and that my TV was permanently tuned to home shopping channels? I fretted about family opinions, coworkers, and even the DMV lady when I had to change my last name back. Back then, it felt like it was still the dark ages of 2007, where divorce was almost taboo in my circles.

Fast forward four years, and I was not only remarried but also a proud mom to two little ones. I slowly let go of those nagging insecurities from my early 30s. Now, however, a new concern is creeping in—how do I explain to my children that both Jake and I were married before?

Having recently turned 40, my kids are now 3 and 5, and I know this conversation is inevitable. I want to be upfront with them so they don’t stumble upon old wedding photos or hear references from family that might confuse them. While Jake sees it as a non-issue, I find myself feeling anxious just thinking about it. My daughter has already asked what divorce means, and I’ve tried to explain it in a way that’s appropriate for a 5-year-old: “Sometimes, two people decide not to stay married for different reasons—maybe they don’t get along, or someone gets hurt. But that won’t happen to us,” I reassure her.

She’s even playfully divorced her imaginary husband, Mr. Greenbean, multiple times, claiming he was “mean.” Does that mean she can understand the concept? I’m torn between wanting to wait until they’re older and wanting to get it over with now so it feels like a normal part of our lives. How do I convey that while my past marriage was challenging, it ultimately led to the happiness I now have with them?

I suppose the best approach is to just tell them. It’s a part of my story, and honestly, it’s a pretty good one that led me to where I am today. If you’re also navigating similar conversations, check out some insightful resources like Genetics and IVF Institute or learn more about home insemination options at Cryobaby’s Home Insemination Kit. And if you need support, feel free to visit our other blog post for more information.

In summary, the journey of explaining past marriages to children is filled with worry and anticipation, but it’s an opportunity to share our stories and the lessons learned along the way.