What If You Don’t Experience Instant Love with Your Adopted Child?

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When I first laid eyes on my son, I thought he was incredibly brave. It might sound odd to describe a 5-year-old that way, but it’s the truth. My partner, Alex, and I adopted him from China when he was just three years old. One fateful afternoon, his entire world shifted—and so did mine.

He woke up that morning in the orphanage that had been his home for as long as he could remember. The caregiver who had looked after him since birth likely told him about the wonderful new life he was about to have with his very own mommy. But when you’ve spent your life surrounded by cribs, the concept of family feels abstract.

That same day, he met me, a loud, red-haired woman who spoke a language that must have sounded completely foreign. After a whirlwind of paperwork and tearful goodbyes, the only familiar face he knew disappeared from view, leaving him completely alone.

I couldn’t tell who was more terrified: this fragile little boy, or me. He was so tiny, his skin pale and ribcage visible, and my heart sank with the weight of responsibility. I had spent eight long months dreaming of him, gazing at his photos as if they were snapshots of my future. I thought I loved him already, but reality hit hard. Those pictures had hidden the truth; he was malnourished and facing some serious health challenges that we hadn’t anticipated.

In that moment, I realized I didn’t feel love—I felt panic, frustration, and then a wave of guilt for feeling that way. This child, who was now mine forever, smelled strange and was clearly unwell.

I remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor of our hotel in China, my cheek resting against the tub, tears streaming down my face. I thought about leaving him there, even though deep down I knew that was not an option. Why were my actions driven by a sense of obligation rather than maternal instincts? I didn’t want to dig too deep into that uncomfortable question.

Eventually, we found our rhythm. We dove into a routine filled with medical appointments and specialists. The little guy began to trust us and picked up English at an astonishing rate. And oh boy, could he eat!

Despite my lingering doubts, I took comfort in his progress. If he was adjusting, maybe I could too. Loving him became a conscious choice for me. I often thought of the phrase “fake it till you make it.” While it didn’t align with my nature, it became my reality.

Adoption professionals often discuss bonding, but they rarely address the struggle parents face when they don’t feel that instant connection. It’s tough to be a parent who feels detached; I know because I’ve lived it.

Looking back, I’m amazed at the journey we’ve taken together. Today, my son is a healthy, vibrant child who fills our days with joy. He’s gained weight, lost the frail look, and most importantly, understands the meaning of family.

About seven months into our new life, I walked past the living room where he was watching cartoons. “Come sit here, Mommy,” he said, patting the couch. I hesitated; I was busy and didn’t have time to watch the show. Yet, I sat down anyway.

As he snuggled onto my lap and wrapped my arms around him, he declared, “Mommy, we best friends.” In that moment, I felt a warmth radiate through me. I rested my cheek on his head, inhaling the sweet scent of his hair, and realized I was no longer pretending. We had arrived at a true connection.

This path has been challenging, not a fairy tale, but I cherish the bond we’ve created, especially knowing I once feared we’d never make it. Alex and I chose this journey of adoption, and while I initially thought I had to choose to love him, I now understand that love found me.

If you’re navigating similar feelings or experiences, you’re not alone. Many families share this journey. To learn more, check out this insightful post. For even more guidance, Make a Mom provides valuable resources on home insemination. And for those interested in pregnancy and fertility topics, News Medical is an excellent resource.

In short, don’t despair if love doesn’t come instantly. It can grow in unexpected ways.