Hey there, little one! I want to start by saying that I’m not expecting you just yet. This isn’t about wanting you any less—on the contrary, it’s precisely because I do want you so much that I take a small blue pill every morning. Yes, that means dealing with bloating, spotting, and all the other not-so-fun side effects of birth control.
I know it sounds a bit backwards, but right now just isn’t the right moment for you. You deserve the best, just like your big sister, Sophia. But I’m not in a place to provide that yet. I’m working on my emotional well-being (thanks to a wonderful therapist I see weekly, who also happens to be pregnant), and your dad and I are trying to figure out the financial side of things, but we’re just not there yet.
Postpartum Reflections
There’s something else I need to share, something I still find difficult to discuss. After Sophia was born, I dealt with postpartum depression. It wasn’t just the “baby blues” or feeling tired; it was a deep and colorless darkness. I found myself in tears while Sophia nursed or played, and I felt like I couldn’t connect with her. I wanted to be the loving mom she deserved, but I felt helpless and hopeless at times.
I’m on the mend now, but I still worry that I’m not the mom either of you need. I want to improve myself before I bring you into this world. It stings every time someone asks if we’re trying for baby number two. It hurts because I want to say yes, but I know it’s not the right time. Logically, I understand this is the best choice for us, but it doesn’t make the longing go away.
Dreaming of You
Some days, I can’t help but think about you. I wonder what you’ll be like—will you have your father’s eyes or my smile? What will Sophia do when she meets you? Will she shower you with kisses like she does with her favorite stuffed animals, or will she be too grown up by then?
There are moments when I feel ready to start trying again, but deep down, I know we’re just not there yet.
Resources for Family Planning
For those who find themselves in a similar boat, I recommend checking out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination, which you can find at Drugs.com. And if you’re exploring options for starting a family, here’s another great post to consider: Intracervical Insemination. Also, you might find valuable information about enhancing fertility at Make A Mom.
Embracing the Present
In summary, while I dream of you and wonder about the future, I’m learning to embrace the present. I want to be the best version of myself before welcoming you into our family.