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The Most Valuable Insight from 16 Years of Marriage
Over the years, life has grown increasingly complex for my partner, Jake, and me. As we juggled the responsibilities of keeping a home, changing jobs, and welcoming children, I sometimes felt like a soldier navigating a battlefield. While my experience wasn’t exactly a war, I found myself trudging through the murky waters of communication and climbing the steep hills of discussions about household chores and parenting. I was determined to devise a strategy that would help Jake truly understand me, reinforcing our commitment to one another, made before friends and family.
I thought I was doing well—until a glaring flaw became evident. My focus had narrowed to the immediate challenges right in front of me, causing me to lose sight of the bigger picture. While journaling my feelings or writing him letters about his missteps, I was looking down. When I took long walks to process my emotions, I was still focused on the ground. I definitely kept my gaze low when I retaliated with silence or a passive-aggressive attitude.
It’s easy to get caught up in this downward gaze. We can become so absorbed in our personal struggles that we forget to look up and see the broader world around us. Journaling and letter writing have their merits, but my 16 years of being married have taught me that the best starting point is recognizing where my focus lies—often downward.
This isn’t to dismiss my feelings of anger or hurt; Jake would readily admit he has made plenty of mistakes over the years (and I’ve made my fair share as well). In those early days, I would silently nurture my grievances, compiling a mental list of “evidence” to justify my frustration. By concentrating solely on my internal feelings, I fed the tension between us.
Eventually, I’d reach a breaking point, unable to contain my self-righteousness, and I would explode. It happened often. Hurtful words, accompanied by tears, would spill out of me. I have asked for Jake’s forgiveness for those comments, but the echoes of those moments occasionally linger in my mind. Thankfully, I have a partner who has patiently listened as I vented my frustrations. After a while, we would settle down enough to discuss the issues.
However, at the 16-year milestone, things have changed for the better—most of the time. When I feel really angry now, my first instinct isn’t to lash out or gather more evidence against him. Instead, I’ve learned to literally and figuratively look up. I take a moment to consider the situation from a different angle, acknowledging my part in the conflict. I might still feel furious, and the evidence may still seem to support my case, but I’ve realized that expressing my feelings with a broader perspective is far more productive.
Each day, I try to remember to look up. It hasn’t made our lives perfect, nor has it eliminated all communication challenges, but it has certainly smoothed our journey together. This approach has shifted my focus from simply being right to finding solutions. Most importantly, it allows me to keep seeing the man I fell in love with all those years ago, as he stands right in front of me.
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Summary:
After 16 years of marriage, I’ve learned the importance of shifting my focus from personal grievances to a broader perspective. Instead of letting anger control my responses, I strive to look up and acknowledge my part in conflicts. This change has made our communication smoother and allowed me to remember the love I have for my partner.